Thursday, February 26, 2015

Get Your Gram On!

Once you pass 40, your boobs don’t get as much attention as they used to, especially if you still have your original equipment. So today was a big day for the girls!  It is my boobs’ day to shine! Went to get my gram on – my mammogram.  Sure, there were no wolf whistles or teeth sucking but at a certain point beggars can’t be choosers and I’ll happily settle for a middle aged gal with a gentle voice and warm hands.

Ironically boob jokes and  Silkwood jokes do NOT kill at the radiology center.  Gonna drop some dick jokes next year.  Gotta keep trying ‘till I hit.  I wonder if in they break room they classify their tasks? Like if it’s an older lady do they call it a “gramogram” or for men is it called a “manogram”, do fancy gals get a “glamogram”? Unrelated thought, tangrams are both fun and frustrating.

Anyway I’m in the room, contorting myself to get the gals into the machine and the tech, noticing my sporty attire, says to me:

“So are you coming from, or going to, the gym?”

And I said (enthusiastically)  “Neither, I’m just….. ready for anything” 

Tech: “So, you stay at home with your kids.” 

(dejected) “Yeah.  You got me pegged.” 

In any event it went fine, a little turn and squish and hold your breath and turn and squish and hold your breath, although the whole experience left me feeling a bit flat. (cue rimshot) Total time from when I left my house, 1 hour.

PSA  Portion: Ladies, go get your mammogram. If you are reading this there is a high likelihood that I like you a lot and want you around for a long time.  Fellas, make sure you keep on top of your tackle.  A little bit of dignity is a small price to pay for good health and frankly, it keeps you humble.  So go ahead,  #Getyourgramon  

Wednesday, February 25, 2015


It happened in an instant.  Poor fella. It wasn't his fault.  He was just there stocking the shelves, doing his job.  

Oh sure, later she would consider that she might have chosen different words. At the time though, in her head it sounded just fine, polite even.  

But in an instant, like someone swinging open the darkroom door without warning, it was said and when the words came out, well it simply couldn’t be undone:

“Excuse me.  Do you mind if I just reach around here and get some meat?”

After that, the only thing left to do was murmur "sorry" softly and go on her way, sparing both of them any further shame.

Tuesday, February 24, 2015

Why I love him?

So I said to the Warden: "When I die you probably should post two photos of me."

Warden: "Two - who are you Elizabeth Taylor?"

Me: "I wish!  No you need to post one picture that is fabulous and then another one like this:

So the people who see me everyday will recognize me."

Warden: "Oh, ok. How about that photo of you chomping on a cigar at that wedding?'

Me: "Yes, that would be perfect!"

Warden: "I'll open with 'She was a dame'"

Thursday, February 12, 2015

50 Shades of NO WAY JOSE!

NO, I will NOT be going to see “50 Shades of Grey”, because the last thing I want to do for two hours is sit in the dark with a bunch of sexed up ladies and the occasional man who strayed far enough from the herd to get dragged to this debacle. What’s grosser than sitting in a room full of sexed up strangers?...........Sitting in a room full of sexed up middle-aged strangers! Why would I want to sit next to a bunch of gals who’s personal state matches the word on the butt of their expensive sweat pants? Or worse, sit next to the couple with the wandering hands?

I’m expecting that the whole scenario will be a gruesome blend of  70’s porn theatre vibe mixed with nervous giggles reminiscent of the 7th grade “The Magic of Menstruation” video screening.   This “film” is what home video was made for.  Cinemax has this on all the time! I would also caution gals who do attend to stay away from any restaurant adjacent to the theatres screening this as I expect their bars will be populated with cagey middle aged dudes just waiting to reel in the ladies who have been primed by the good folks at Universal. 

If you MUST go, then I recommend you take a poncho and some hand sanitizer. In the meantime, I’ll be at home waiting for the inevitable Today Show stories on the increase in visits to the ER for 50 Shades adventures gone awry.  Where’s the popcorn?

Tuesday, February 10, 2015

Groundhog 2.0 (and a half) Warning Graphic Content - NSFW - Guest Post from the indomitable Juan Mario Agudelo Mallarino

It seems the groundhog wasn't the only creature making an appearance last week.  Just a few thousand miles from Punxsutawney, enfant terrible, Rick Owens, was presenting his 2015 Fall/Winter collection in Paris.  While many applauded his bold lines and powerful use of muted colors, others took notice of one particular member of the crew who, quite proudly, flippity-flopped his way down the catwalk to the astonishment of the illustrious crowd of gawkers.

Let me first say that, despite the fact that it looks like it was in a crock pot for two weeks, this is a good thing.  Let's open the kimono.  Let's drop the towel.  Let's welcome Mr. John Thompson out from the shadows and place him as the lead in a Dove commercial, with a police sketch artist in tow, presenting perspectives from the owner, and from his lovers (call me SNL).  The descriptive accompanying audio alone would offer loads of entertainment.

Let's liberate today's young men from falling prey to Mastodonic Member Disorder (MMD), an unseemly anxiety disorder promulgated by porn sites and underwear ads (I'm looking at you, Bieber #stuffed) that do nothing but further traumatize the living hell out of boys and young men with perfectly normal gear.....

I mean seriously, you could tie a rope to the ends of some of these things and call yourself a circus act. 

Wednesday, February 4, 2015

The Great Debates

So, all over the news there is this "vaccine debate".  Is this what we do now - entertain debates on things that are already proven or disproven?   Since we have opened the door to nonsense debates, here are 7 debates to anticipate:

1) Rain - Condensed water vapor that falls from the sky OR God's tears?

2) Sunrise tomorrow - Maybe? Maybe Not?

3) Pregnancy - Is that a baby in there OR just a basketball under your shirt?

4) Cats - Family pets OR witches in fur costumes?

5) Lightning - Electrostatic discharge OR Zeus' wrath?

6) Death - A natural occurrence OR a failure to pray hard enough?

7) Medical Knowledge - Something you gain after years of rigorous study OR something you can easily figure out by listening to celebrities and googling.