Wednesday, November 18, 2015

Dear Adele

Dear Adele – You really have to stop calling me! Listen, that whole thing was a long, long time ago.  Clearly you are still having some “issues” even though we only dated for 3 months. Your new song is longer than our relationship!

I don’t know what you think you have to apologize for.  I....... broke up with..... you.  Remember? I broke up with you because you were crazy and you liked to shit on my hometown. I’ve actually moved back to Cleveland, home of the Rock and Roll Hall of fame BTW, with a nice girl I met and we have a dog named Zazu.

By the way you haven’t called “a thousand times” you have called ONE THOUSAND TWO HUNDRED AND SEVENTY SIX times!  Even you must see that that qualifies as obsessive and stalkerish! Now I know why it took you two years to get a new album out – you were spending all your time terrorizing us!

We actually ARE home but WE ARE AVOIDING YOU!!  Seriously WHAT? WHAT? Do you want from me?  Do you want me to say that it is ok that you texted knife and gun emojis to all my ex girlfriends?  That it was ok that you called my mom to talk about the Rehearsal Dinner after 4 dates? 4 DATES Adele! Do you want me to say that you are right “It is totally stupid to spend a whole Sunday watching ‘American football’?” 

Fine.  “American Football” is stupid! Will you please leave me alone now?



Thursday, October 1, 2015

Say What You Want to Say - on a t-shirt

We’ve all been there.  Just going to dash in to the store to pick up one thing and you run into the Principal of the school or your uber mom pal looking uber good while you look like this….

and you just wish that you could explain why you look this way, how you usually look better and how you were just dashing out, but of course that would be pathetic. You’d like to explain that before you became a mother you were something. You had your shit together! These shirts will help take the awkward out of those encounters when you aren't your best self by providing the explanation for you!  I am the Lorax for mothers! The Warden is excited because if everything goes as planned, we stand to make tens of dollars on this endeavor.  So check out my Zazzle site Explanations to get your shirt and lower the bar for all women everywhere.   

Below is a sampling - click on the link to see them all and let me know if there's something you'd like to see!

Tuesday, September 1, 2015

Simmering Woman


The kids out West have Burning Man which is this thing where people all gather in the desert and share stuff, walk around naked, do drugs and look at art and then at the end they burn this giant wooden man they made, hence the name Burning Man.  It looks amazing and exciting but it also looks really dirty and hot and honestly, whenever I see an operation like this I think: “Where might I find a proper bathroom?”  That’s my metric for everything –

  • ·      Husband: “Let’s take a trip to India. We’ll see the Taj Mahal, eat amazing food and I hear the landscapes are amazing.”

Me: “Will there be a proper bathroom?”

  • ·      Astronauts taking trip to Mars.                                                                                          “Don’t care about the science. How do they go  to the bathroom?”

  • ·      Daughter: “Let’s go to the State Fair!”

Me: “Hmmm, I dunno, its kind of hard to find a decent bathroom at those things. Let’s rent the musical instead.”

So I propose my alternative to Burning Man: Simmering Woman

It will take place in my basement and cater specifically to the perimenopausal demographic.  We will burn scented candles and braid each other’s hair.  We’ll have tons of food but everyone will only eat carrots except when we make duck mouths with the Pringles and take selfies.  All attendees must wear a wedding dress. If you can still fit into your original wedding dress you are banned.  The walls will be covered with those adorable kitten and puppy posters you used to have, in addition to posters of Shaun Cassidy and Rick Springfield. 

We will watch movies that speak to our souls like “Sixteen Candles”, “The Notebook” and “Joy Luck Club”. 

We will also have workshops where we will decorate wine glasses with sassy memes like “Hot Mama” (menopause joke), “If Mamma ‘aint happy – ‘aint no one happy” and “Its Wine O’Clock”. 

We will have discussion groups with titles like:
  • ·      Well you married him
  • ·      Yeah, she’s a total bitch
  • ·      What’s with my boobs these days?
  • ·      What ever happened to Jake Ryan? We should go find him!
  • ·      Ponyboy, Dallas or Sodapop?  Who was your favorite?
  • ·      Viagra Blessing or Burden?
  • ·      Kids these days.

Finally, we will close each gathering with Karoke with “Last Dance” as the closing hymn each evening.  EVERYONE MUST sing!

All Simmering Woman gatherings will begin at 6pm and end at the sensible hour of 11 pm AND, there will be 5 clean, shimmering bathrooms!

Thursday, July 23, 2015

Post Baby Body

So I am totally inspired by Jeff Goldblum's wife who showed us what she looked like 8 DAYS after having her baby!  

So I thought I would show you how I look a mere 12 years after giving birth.  

Let me be clear. I'm not trying to body shame anyone.  This is just what a lousy metabolism, an affinity for wine, a disaffinity for starving and regular workouts five days a week for 12 years will get you*!  

*Individual results may vary. It is entirely possible, nay likely, that you will look a lot better.

Wednesday, June 3, 2015

He 'aint heavy, he's my brother..... Actually, he's a huge pain in the ass!

CNN was recently talking about Jesus’ brother James.   How awful it is to be the younger brother of Jesus Christ!? I mean honestly!    Episode 1 in my series about Jesus’ brother. (there may or may not be an episode 2)

Mary: (in the voice of Howard Stern’s mother) : 

“JAMES! Your brother Jesus cured a paralyzed man and fed a multitude at Bethesaid the other day with only seven loaves and fishes!  Did you hear that, a MULTITUDE James?!  Linda said there were at least 5 thousand people there and I can’t even get you to take out the trash.”


“First of all Mom, all my friends call me Jimbo and Jesus doesn’t even have a job! He just hangs around with those guys, his ‘disciples’ all day.”


“Jimbo? For the love of God! What kind of a name is Jimbo?  No one has ever heard of a Rabbi Jimbo.  And Jesus…….James, he is HEALING people for God’s sake!  I know your father would have liked him to take over the carpentry business but he is healing.  Can you imagine?  A doctor in the family?”

“As for his ‘disciples’, they are a very nice group of boys. Well except for that Iscariot boy.  What’s his name? Judas.  Yes, I don’t like that one.  He’s shifty.  You know I went to high school with his father, Simon.  Oh sure, all the parents thought he was terrific, but suffice it to say, I am not the only girl from Nazareth Regional High School Class of ’02 BC who can attest to the fact that that boy had some fast hands.   That’s all I’m saying.  He’s no good that one.”


“Its just that you always act like HE can’t do anything wrong.  He’s all like ‘I’m the son of God. You’re just the son of Joseph.’ What am I supposed to do?”


“What are YOU supposed to do? I don’t know James, how about you start by  getting Bar Mitzvahed?  Something simple James.  How about that?  Jesus did it at 10.  Always got one hundreds on all his religious work.  Maybe if you spend less time betting on those donkey and camel races and more time studying!  Well maybe then we would have a doctor AND a lawyer in the family!? Can you imagine?”