Wednesday, May 23, 2012


Recently I've received lists of things that parents (usually Mothers - go figure) should say to their children.  They are filled with lots of sweet, really validating things.  However, most of the kids I know are plenty validated.  Here is MY list of things your children should hear from you.

#1 - Contrary to popular belief, the world does not revolve around you.  Sure we make some accomodations around the house here, the diapers were a big one, but as you get older that’s going to diminish and you are going to have to snap to and contribute something to this family.

#2 - I gave birth to you. I love you. I would take a bullet for you.  I DO NOT work for you.   Pick up after yourself.

#3 -  When you were little, you were super adorable.  You cannot ride this forever.  As you age, you are going to need to bring the personality to compensate for the adorable deficit.  

#4 - For my little girl:  batting your eyelashes will get you: permission from Daddy, a date for prom and quite possibly a husband.  It will NOT get you: RESPECT.

#5 - I hated every minute of "Chipwrecked." I went because you couldn’t go alone. Sometimes we do things we hate for people we love.  Remember this when you visit me in the home and I’m watching “Legends of the Fall” and going on about how marvelous that Brad Pitt was back in the day. Oh and that Aidan Quinn too, but to a lesser degree.

#6 -  Choose your friends wisely.  They are the people who will keep you out of prison and hold your hair when you vomit. 

#7 - Your friends are cute and fun. They are also stupid.   They are living Wikipedia.  Do not trust them.   Most importantly do not trust them on things that pertain to sex or the laws of physics.

#8 - I’m totally happy to help you with ______________ but you’ve got to give me a goddamned minute to answer you. 

#9 - I yell so much because you are making me crazy.  Before I had you my blood pressure was 80/60.

#10 - Your father and I think you are pretty terrific.  You are NOT however, any more special or more entitled to goodness, happiness and success than anyone else in the world.  Most of the good stuff you have in your life is due to luck.  Don’t get too full of yourself.

#11 - I’m happy to help you but not if you don’t try or make some lame, spaghetti-armed effort.  (See #2)

#12 - Sorry doesn’t mean anything if you do it again, like two minutes later. (See #9)

#13 - In general, life is woefully unfair.  By being born into this family and in this country you have already gotten more than your fair share.  Quit complaining about the extra gummy bear your sister got.

#14 - Yes, I gave your sister the extra gummy bear because I love her more.  That’s what you are insinuating right?  Well there you go.  Satisfied?

#15 - I asked you nicely to empty the dishwasher not to mine coal.  Its not a lot.  Trust me, you DO NOT want to get into a who’s done more for whom around here contest with me.

#16 - Seriously, I do not have all day.

#17 - I heard you yelling my name  the first time.  I just didn’t answer in the hopes that you would give up and figure it out yourself so I didn’t have to pause my program.

#18 - Dry your tears.  Of course I beat you at Scrabble, I’m 30 years older than you!  Were you seriously under the impression that you could defeat me?

#19 - The basic tenets of all world religions can be boiled down to one simple phrase: “Don’t be an asshole.”  If you follow this all your life: you should be able to have a good set of friends, have and be a good spouse AND you should be pretty well covered for the Afterlife and/or End of Days regardless of who is running the show.  Good luck.

#20 - When we were away Daddy and I didn’t really miss you much.  We had a swell time just the two of us. In fact we had a whole thing going on before you showed up.  But, we are glad to be back now.

#21 - NO.