Tuesday, August 14, 2012

That Little Voice Inside Your Head

You  know how sometimes you are doing something and you hear a little voice in your head saying “mmmmm, maybe not the best idea Einstein” and then you ignore that voice because clearly, you are not Einstein?  Well, this is a mixed cautionary tale for those of you who hear voices.  Exhibit 1:

I call this “Paw vs. Broken Light Bulb”. 

Obvioulsy I was not the victor.  I was trying to take a little initiative and clean the exterior light fixtures, one of which had a broken blub.  I saw it and said “hmmm, that could be dangerous” but then I thought “I don’t want to take that out now and then have to walk alllll the way into the house to throw it away.  Besides, I’m just going to clean the outside of the fixture so what could go wrong?”  Well for one,  old blondie here could suddenly decide to clean the inside of the fixture blissfully forgetting the bulb. 

The kids heard the streak of blue streaming from my mouth and wisely made themselves scarce.  It was pretty nasty, so I cleaned and bandaged it up and hoped for the best.  Anyway, despite my best self- nursing care, I was still bleeding like a stuck pig so off to Right Time Urgent Care. 

As an aside, I must say, what a well run operation.  Made the appointment on the phone for 8:10 appointment, back in my car at 8:39! 

So I roll up there trying to keep my hand up to keep the bleeding down but the end result was that I looked like I was taking an oath or testifying or something.  I tell them I have an appointment and they take me right in and give me this electronic medical history pad thing to fill out. Like a Speak ‘n Spell with a touch screen. So I’m doing that with my left hand with limited success – the stylus is tricky.  Meanwhile,  a young man with badge that says PCT under his name comes in and starts cleaning my wound.  I ask what PCT stands for and he says “Patient Care Tech” – it was more impressive in letters.  Anyway, I’m joking around with him as I am wont to do in medical situations and he says to me: “So, you must be a school teacher”

Me: “Why would you think that?”

PCT:  “Because you’re really funny, so you must be either a school teacher or an actress.”

Now, I don’t know where he went to school but unless you went to clown college, I don’t exactly remember any of my teachers having hilarity as a defining characteristic (my brother is the exception to this rule). So I say “Nope, I’m just a mom” as I enter “Mom Extraordinaire” under occupation on my Patient Info screen thing. 

PCT:  “Well, you look like an actress.  You look like that hot actress in Terminator 3.”

HOLD THE PHONE – “Did you say that “hot” actress?”  He says “Yeah, in Terminator 3, can’t remember her name.”

Me: “Linda Hamilton” (which is plenty good enough for me)

PCT: “no, some other girl – Terminator 3 with Arnold.”

Me: “I have no clue but you had me at “hot actress.”  He could have been talking about the Human Centipede and I wouldn’t have minded.  I was just enjoying the term “hot” being used in conjunction with me. Turns out he was referring to Kristanna Loken, a name the Warden came up with immediately -- hmmm, here she is:

I KNOW!!  Henceforth, please replace all mental images you have of me with the image shown above!  Obviously this guy is my new favorite person for the foreseeable future – “Hot girl”.  I can live on this for yearzzzz!

Finally the PA (Physician Assistant – equally impressive in letters and words) comes in and he looks like Moby but with a kind of Michael Stipe edge to him.  I know, its totally baldist of me but truly, unless they are really fat, all bald guys look the same to me; its just are they either kind of empathic Moby or menacing Michael Stipe. So this fellow sits down and starts sewing me up and we engage in a meaningful discussion on the role of NPs and PAs in the future of healthcare mostly because if someone is putting a needle in my skin, I want to make sure they like me.  But also because healthcare and television are the only things I’m really smart at and most people don’t consider being t.v. smart, smart – so I usually go with healthcare.  

Anyway, he tells me that at 40 he made whole career change and went to school to become a PA and I told him “OMG, that’s totally what I want to do!”  Which IS totally what I want to do, but really only partially and really only if it didn’t involve too much work.  However, I did walk away totally inspired and really considering considering, taking life by the horns and becoming the funniest PA Urgent Care has ever seen.  (The medical community has really kept that bar low for me) He did give me his email if I wanted any information (wink, wink)  I don’t think he meant it THAT  way, but I can’t tell you the last time a fella gave me his 411 (I think that’s what the kids say today) so I included the winks.  But the very best part, was that when I said “Can I just take these stiches out myself?”  Not only did he say yes, buuuut he gave me my own little suture removal kit. 

Self-surgery is way less authentic when you use cuticle scissors dipped in alcohol.  

So kids, take it from me – Yes, sometimes that little voice in your head is the devil: “Yes, cut off all your hair”, “He’s not calling you because he is intimidated by you”, “No, you don’t need Spanx with that." But sometimes, when it comes to issues of health and safety, that little voice is right on so listen to it; keeping in mind that if you do, you won’t get hurt but you just might miss out on a super compliment and your very own suture removal kit.

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Exhibit one in my: Everything That is Wrong With Parenting in America Today Segment.

So, there was  a TON of rain the other night and there were more emails than were necessary about whether the Little League Game would be held the next morning.  Here’s the email I received from the “team mom” – never a request for a “team dad” but that’s another post:

Hi Everyone,

The 9am game was cancelled but Brant is hopeful we can hold the 11am game if we can get the field ready.  Brant has a back injury so he needs grounds crew help from 9am--11am to get the field ready.  If you can stay after dropping off your player to help, that would be great  and will also help ensure we can play at 11am.  I'm not sure of all the details but "raking and field prep" are included.

So, Brant is the “Commissioner” which people totally address him as (again, another blog, another day) but I prefer to call him “The Commish” because I loved that show! By the way, I totally loved Michael Chiklis in that show and had a really hard time buying him as a badass on The Shield because he was so adorable on “the Commish”. I also love the opening of that show, such a lazy kind of bumbling song as we see this doughy, salami loving cop, who just can’t keep track of his pen.  

Watch: The Commish opening credits.

They just don’t make tv like they used to. 

Back to Little League.  Apparently the “Commish” has indeed injured his back to the degree that we received a follow up email from our coach, who is a scientist at NIH, so it must be true.

Brant had an accident yesterday so his back is indeed hurt. Please bring a metal rake if you have one.

Followed by: (subject title “Field workers Needed”)

Yes, please arrive at 10am warm-ups.  Those who can stay to help,  
Brant needs " rakes/buckets and muscles."



First of all, don’t like the term “field workers” it soo…manual labory.  Secondly, they need “rakes/buckets and muscles.”  Ummmm, I know the dude hurt his back, but did he also injure his rakes and buckets?  Who has buckets lying around the house?  AND we have ONE guy down and now we need to marshal the efforts of 15 adults?  What is he, Super Commish?

What really stuck in my craw and FINALLY relating back to the topic of this post, is that they expected the parents to get the field ready while the kids practiced.  Seriously? Is this what the world has come to?  How about the kids (9-12 year old boys)  get THEIR OWN field ready? Buttermaker never would have put up with this kind of nonsense.  How is this not happening every week?  The teams that have the first game get the field ready so THEY can play and enjoy the game.  When did I become an employee for my child?  I already paid nearly $400 for him to play in this league, how about the kid contributes a little sweat?  Its insanity.  There is this crazy expectation these days that I’m supposed to follow these two around like Farnsworth Bently followed Diddy  (didn’t think I could work a Diddy reference into a parenting blog did you?  Well I Diddy.)

So, in protest; because if someone doesn’t say something these people are going to take over the world; I sent this reply to ALL (this group BTW, is the owner and operator of the “I Love Reply All In Every Circumstance” page on Facebook):

Sorry to hear about Brandt.  What would really be terrific is if the boys (from both teams) could get their field ready.  This way they learn a little responsibility AND they learn how to groom a baseball field.  My husband cannot stay, but my son will help.

Yeah, my husband can’t stay to rake the field because HE WORKS LIKE A DOG ALL FREAKING WEEK! The only raking my husband will be doing on the weekend is in the sand trap!

The response was overwhelming!  Meaning whatever is quieter than crickets or the sound of one hand clapping. 

Anyway, the plot thickens (this portion is typed in Whisper font.  The previous portion was typed in Incredulity)  So we went to the game and I’m sitting there watching the game and who walks by DRAGGING trash cans full of dirt but..... (excited whisper font) The “Commish”  himself!  Yes!  It was all I could do not to stand up, point my finger and shout  "J’ACCUSE!"  Instead I took a picture because it lasts longer. 

In the end, my son tells me that he offered to help, but the Dads got the field ready so the kids could practice.  Guess what folks, (I am typing this in an totally bossy font AND all caps):


Wednesday, May 23, 2012


Recently I've received lists of things that parents (usually Mothers - go figure) should say to their children.  They are filled with lots of sweet, really validating things.  However, most of the kids I know are plenty validated.  Here is MY list of things your children should hear from you.

#1 - Contrary to popular belief, the world does not revolve around you.  Sure we make some accomodations around the house here, the diapers were a big one, but as you get older that’s going to diminish and you are going to have to snap to and contribute something to this family.

#2 - I gave birth to you. I love you. I would take a bullet for you.  I DO NOT work for you.   Pick up after yourself.

#3 -  When you were little, you were super adorable.  You cannot ride this forever.  As you age, you are going to need to bring the personality to compensate for the adorable deficit.  

#4 - For my little girl:  batting your eyelashes will get you: permission from Daddy, a date for prom and quite possibly a husband.  It will NOT get you: RESPECT.

#5 - I hated every minute of "Chipwrecked." I went because you couldn’t go alone. Sometimes we do things we hate for people we love.  Remember this when you visit me in the home and I’m watching “Legends of the Fall” and going on about how marvelous that Brad Pitt was back in the day. Oh and that Aidan Quinn too, but to a lesser degree.

#6 -  Choose your friends wisely.  They are the people who will keep you out of prison and hold your hair when you vomit. 

#7 - Your friends are cute and fun. They are also stupid.   They are living Wikipedia.  Do not trust them.   Most importantly do not trust them on things that pertain to sex or the laws of physics.

#8 - I’m totally happy to help you with ______________ but you’ve got to give me a goddamned minute to answer you. 

#9 - I yell so much because you are making me crazy.  Before I had you my blood pressure was 80/60.

#10 - Your father and I think you are pretty terrific.  You are NOT however, any more special or more entitled to goodness, happiness and success than anyone else in the world.  Most of the good stuff you have in your life is due to luck.  Don’t get too full of yourself.

#11 - I’m happy to help you but not if you don’t try or make some lame, spaghetti-armed effort.  (See #2)

#12 - Sorry doesn’t mean anything if you do it again, like two minutes later. (See #9)

#13 - In general, life is woefully unfair.  By being born into this family and in this country you have already gotten more than your fair share.  Quit complaining about the extra gummy bear your sister got.

#14 - Yes, I gave your sister the extra gummy bear because I love her more.  That’s what you are insinuating right?  Well there you go.  Satisfied?

#15 - I asked you nicely to empty the dishwasher not to mine coal.  Its not a lot.  Trust me, you DO NOT want to get into a who’s done more for whom around here contest with me.

#16 - Seriously, I do not have all day.

#17 - I heard you yelling my name  the first time.  I just didn’t answer in the hopes that you would give up and figure it out yourself so I didn’t have to pause my program.

#18 - Dry your tears.  Of course I beat you at Scrabble, I’m 30 years older than you!  Were you seriously under the impression that you could defeat me?

#19 - The basic tenets of all world religions can be boiled down to one simple phrase: “Don’t be an asshole.”  If you follow this all your life: you should be able to have a good set of friends, have and be a good spouse AND you should be pretty well covered for the Afterlife and/or End of Days regardless of who is running the show.  Good luck.

#20 - When we were away Daddy and I didn’t really miss you much.  We had a swell time just the two of us. In fact we had a whole thing going on before you showed up.  But, we are glad to be back now.

#21 - NO.

Friday, March 16, 2012

I love Jessica Simpson!

I love Jessica Simpson.  I can’t name a single song of hers and I only vaguely remember her reality show, but I am now in love with her!  Here’s why.  Jessica is  8 months pregnant and despite being a celebrity, albeit a "D list" celebrity, she is kicking this pregnancy old school.  Have you seen her? 


The words Zoinks, Gadzooks and Yowza were invented for just this occasion! She looks like one of the life rafts on the Titantic, which is to say, she looks just like I did when I was pregnant. 

Contrast with Victoria Beckham pregnant:

That is what I look like at the end of pizza night. 

Jessica is keepin’ it real!  It used to be that one time a woman would get a break from the body scrutiny that is so pervasive in our society was during pregnancy.  Now, we’ve got to make a whole person AND look hot.  For the love of God, they now make a maternity thong. 

So,  while I have a human being standing on my bladder all day, now I’m supposed to walk around with a piece of string up my tuchus.  When I’m that pregnant, I’m not worried about panty lines, I’m worried about my bladder leaking when I sneeze. 

Jessica Simpson is OWNING it.   She’s not going to pilates, hitting the elliptical  and eating kale and steel cut oats.  She’s doing this like a real life American woman.  She is enjoying her meals and reveling in the comfort and ease of  elastic waisted pants.  With all the nonsense going on where celeb moms compete to see who can return to toothpick status after giving birth the quickest, it is refreshing, nay revolutionary, to see a woman in the public eye who says: “Guess what, I’m making a God damned person here.  I’m uncomfortable all day. I can’t even have a cocktail. So I’m not going to obsess about how I look.  I am going to have some doughnuts.” VIVA JESSICA!