Monday, September 22, 2014

See Ya Summer!!!

Bye Bye Summer!  Don’t let the door hit you on the way out! 

I hate summer and couldn’t be more glad to see it go!  Want to know the only thing I hate more than summer?  People who looooove summer!   Fall is arriving and not a moment too soon so here is a list of just some of the reasons why summer sucks:

Eating outside.  “Table for two?  Would you like to sit outside?”   This whole fascination with eating outside I do not understand.    We have these structures now that keep the sun off of you and keep the bugs out of your food.  It’s a no brainer, but yet there are the people who just looove to sit outside, even if it is on a dirty, narrow sidewalk with traffic cruising by.    “Yes, I’ll have the pasta primavera with a side of exhaust.”  Don’t even get me started on picnics.

Two showers a day. Which leads me to that nasty feeling when that bead of sweat slowly rolls down your back and down  your crack only to settle sweetly with its brethren in your underpants so that by the end of the day you feel like you are wearing a wet diaper.

Coconut.  Everyone and everything smelling like a coconut?  Why must every cream, spray or lotion associated with summer have that artificial coconut scent? Why would someone want to smell like a fruit that no one likes?  Has anyone ever offered you coconut in their home? No, because it is gross.  That’s why no one likes Mounds bars.

People in bathing suits. I don’t like knowing what folks look like naked and summer ruins this for me.  I mean once you are in a bathing suit the cat is pretty much out of the bag – all that’s to be done is imagine a standard set of genitals and there we have it.  I also don’t like knowing that you have a collection of moles that make up the constellation Cassiopeia or that your husband has so much hair on his back it must be like making love to a rug, or knowing that your husband or worse yet, your wife, has a pie shaped patch of hair on his/her lower back that looks like a gnarly piece of hair pizza.    I’m also less than pleased with the world knowing that I have enough stretch marks to make it appear as if I am perpetually in motion even when standing completely still.  In the interest of keeping this brief, I’ll skip my feeling on the beach but suffice to say it is a filthy and miserable place except at dawn and sunset.

Bugs . Mosquitos, gnats, wasps, ants…… They are annoying and relentless oh and some of these bugs bring terrible diseases  like the West Nile Virus and Lyme disease.  You never hear of a terrible disease from one of the cold countries, only the hot ones.  There’s no Ebola in Stockholm. If you can manage alcoholism, flu and suicide, you are safe as a kitten in Stockholm.

BBS.  Beneath the Boobs Sweat, don’t think I need to explain further.

Sunscreen. Always with the sunscreen.  I’d love to go for a swim but first I’ve got to make sure I don’t get the cancer.   You have to walk around always kind of slick and smelling like some mixture of coconut and whatever scent your deodorant is.  Why the deodorant people can’t get together with the perfume people and make deodorant to match my perfume is beyond me.

So goodbye summer and hello, sweaters and crock pots and crisp air and autumn leaves and Thanksgiving and Halloween!  Its gonna be great!