Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Lessons Learned the Hard Way

There are some lessons in life that are easy to learn: don’t touch fire, look before you cross. The logic here is easy and apparent. Then, there are those lessons that must be learned the hard way like, "too many cocktails that taste like juice will leave you in the bathroom," -- hopefully with a friend plaintively saying, “Do you want me to hold your hair?" Always keep learning, the saying goes.  I give to you a glimpse into my continuing education.

Lessons learned the hard way:

  • Cats don’t like surprises.

  • Swimsuits look a lot different on 40 year old women than they do on 20 year old models.

  • Even if they say so, mothers-in-law don’t ever, EVER want to know what you really think...about anything! 

  • There is no circumstance under which this:  

                                                                   is a good choice for me!        

  • This whole ensemble:

                         while visually appealing to your partner, is itchy! 

  • Duct tape is no substitute for professional waxing.

  • Forty is NOT the new 30.  IT IS FORTY.

  • If you weren’t cool when you were young, your teenage nieces and nephews will NOT think you are cool now.

  • Be very careful when nude:
    • If you ever find yourself nude in the presence of a friendly dog - DON’T BEND OVER!
    • Never hold a cat while nude.
    • Never cook bacon in the nude.

  • Women will tell you that you look great when you do not.  Men will not.  Pay attention to men if you truly want to know how you are doing.  Be careful of the man who tells you that you look amazing when you do not – he’s a cad.

  • Never tell people you are younger than you are. They will just think you look like crap for your age.  Always add a few years - they will tell you that you don't look a day over your actual age. (Thanks Becky)
  • I was the inspiration for the term “muffin top”.  I don't care what Stacy and Clinton say.  LOW RISE JEANS ARE NOT FOR EVERYONE! 

  • Even though you transport it there in the back of your car, nestled between your children; walking into Lowes with an empty propane tank will elicit a response not unlike walking in with an envelope filled with anthrax. 

  • Spanx alone will NOT get you into your pre-pregnancy jeans.  That will require an act of God.

  • No one else at the business dinner watches “Jersey Shore”

  • As long as you don’t have cancer, no one wants the specifics of your colonoscopy even if the doctor said you had a “beautiful colon".

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

La Guerre des Receipts!

I’m declaring a WAR on grocery store receipts!  That’s right, you heard me, an all out war on receipts.  I’m also considering a war on bulk mail but that’s another conversation.  I am firmly of the mind that absolute order and serenity are but one simple solution away.  If I could just cut down on the receipts that fill every orifice of my purse and wallet, I’m thinking the rest of my life will fall gently into line. 

Everything about my trips to the grocery have been shifted and changed.  I take my reusable bags, I deposit the plastic bags in the recycle bin out front for them to then make benches out of,  I try not to buy things with lots of packaging, I recycle seemingly every damn thing under the sun, I no longer bag my produce to save a bag (I’m even green with my greens). So it is with a particularly high level of fury that after jumping through all these hoops, the grocery makes no efforts and presents me with a receipt on to which, I swear, you could copy the full text of Odysseus – FOR TWO ITEMS; a pepper and some mushrooms!

After making a record of my purchases, the grocery feels the need to further stratify every single data point they have for me; gas points, school points, savings today, savings for the year, savings yesterday, savings I could have if I purchase a goat.  The only way I could use this receipt is if I hooked up with those Extreme Coupon nutcases or if I were camping and short on toilet paper.

To make matters worse there are these ads and coupons on the back of the receipt.  Hand to God, I have never met a living soul who has used a coupon from the BACK of the receipt and the irony is that the bulk of the ads are for jobs selling ads: ON THE BACK OF RECEIPTS!  It’s like standing between two mirrors.

Your business with
(Picture of guy who looks like Will Arnett holding a wind up clock)

WHAT?  If you read them out loud, they read like a cross between olde tyme radio ads and a telegram.   

“Don’t sell yourself short
If you are underpaid…
Outside Sales Experience Necessary
For Immediate Consideration Call: 800-IMA-DOUCHE
(Pictures of hundred dollar bills)

I’m going to call that number tomorrow to see if I can figure out what on earth they have going on.  I am underpaid, grossly.  Alas, I have no outside sales experience; will have to rely on my wits.

Returning to my original point. Its too much paper, no one needs or wants or needs them, they are storing all my data anyway so they can give me shopping suggestions on the self-scanner: “If you like cheese sticks, you might like pepperoni.”  Truly, we’d all be better served if it said; “We see you’ve purchased five cans of Pringles.  If you are purchasing bulk amounts of canned chips that don’t expire until 2020, we suggest that you head over to the produce section or at least swing by the pharmacy for some Lipitor - $2 off”. 

So what I think I’m going to do, besides trying to secure a position based upon the sole qualification that I am underpaid; is save all my receipts from Giant and mail them to corporate with a note, kindly asking them to STOP THE INSANITY!  Where is Susan Powter when you need her?