Tuesday, September 1, 2015

Simmering Woman


The kids out West have Burning Man which is this thing where people all gather in the desert and share stuff, walk around naked, do drugs and look at art and then at the end they burn this giant wooden man they made, hence the name Burning Man.  It looks amazing and exciting but it also looks really dirty and hot and honestly, whenever I see an operation like this I think: “Where might I find a proper bathroom?”  That’s my metric for everything –

  • ·      Husband: “Let’s take a trip to India. We’ll see the Taj Mahal, eat amazing food and I hear the landscapes are amazing.”

Me: “Will there be a proper bathroom?”

  • ·      Astronauts taking trip to Mars.                                                                                          “Don’t care about the science. How do they go  to the bathroom?”

  • ·      Daughter: “Let’s go to the State Fair!”

Me: “Hmmm, I dunno, its kind of hard to find a decent bathroom at those things. Let’s rent the musical instead.”

So I propose my alternative to Burning Man: Simmering Woman

It will take place in my basement and cater specifically to the perimenopausal demographic.  We will burn scented candles and braid each other’s hair.  We’ll have tons of food but everyone will only eat carrots except when we make duck mouths with the Pringles and take selfies.  All attendees must wear a wedding dress. If you can still fit into your original wedding dress you are banned.  The walls will be covered with those adorable kitten and puppy posters you used to have, in addition to posters of Shaun Cassidy and Rick Springfield. 

We will watch movies that speak to our souls like “Sixteen Candles”, “The Notebook” and “Joy Luck Club”. 

We will also have workshops where we will decorate wine glasses with sassy memes like “Hot Mama” (menopause joke), “If Mamma ‘aint happy – ‘aint no one happy” and “Its Wine O’Clock”. 

We will have discussion groups with titles like:
  • ·      Well you married him
  • ·      Yeah, she’s a total bitch
  • ·      What’s with my boobs these days?
  • ·      What ever happened to Jake Ryan? We should go find him!
  • ·      Ponyboy, Dallas or Sodapop?  Who was your favorite?
  • ·      Viagra Blessing or Burden?
  • ·      Kids these days.

Finally, we will close each gathering with Karoke with “Last Dance” as the closing hymn each evening.  EVERYONE MUST sing!

All Simmering Woman gatherings will begin at 6pm and end at the sensible hour of 11 pm AND, there will be 5 clean, shimmering bathrooms!