Sunday, August 24, 2014

When we send our kids back to school we tell them lots of things:
We tell them to behave.
We tell them to be respectful of their teachers. 
We tell them to work hard. 
We tell them to pay attention and to turn their phones off. 
We tell them not to buy a bunch of crap in the cafeteria. 

There’s one more thing we need to tell them. …. Be Kind. 

Going to school is as much about becoming a person as it is about the academics:

If you can, stand up for someone who is being picked on. 
If you have the chance, pick the one who is picked last, first. 
Never kick someone who is already down. 
Invite the kid who is sitting alone at lunch to sit with you. 
Acknowledge those around you. 
Make a friend. 
Be a friend. 

For better or worse, these are your people.  This is your community.  Growing up is hard. Take care of each other. 

Friday, August 22, 2014

ODBC - Do YOU Have it?

A 44 year old woman was found raving in a parking lot of a local bar after having over dosed on her children.  She was examined by medical professionals and then escorted into the bar.  Local bartender Steve said, “Oh yeah, I see this all the time.  It’s usually at its worst near the end of summer but occasionally we’ll have a case right at the beginning just from the shock of it you know, plus they have a hard time getting to pilates class.  Anyway, its not anything a glass or two of Chardonnay won’t make better.”

Over Dose by Children (ODBC), also commonly known as Too Much Togetherness Syndrome (TMTS) is a common affliction, but hits the stay at home moms the hardest.  It can reach almost epidemic proportions amongst mothers with children younger than school age and can be exacerbated by too many Kindermusik and Mommy and Me Swim classes.  For the mothers of school-aged children, it is most frequently reported during the summer but can also happen during some of the longer breaks especially if the family is travelling in close quarters and/or there is limited access to electronic devices.  The most common symptoms are huffing and puffing, yelling and waving of the arms.  The children are most affected but this illness can also have negative outcomes for the husband, store clerks and other drivers, but apparently not the family dog since he is, “the only one who understands me” said Mom. 

Alcohol is the easiest and most effective way to treat symptoms.  A hot bath and a chick flick have also proven effective.  Unfortunately, there is no cure except to send the children back to school which “Can’t happen a day too soon” says Mom. 

In related news, Mothers who send their children to college can suffer from Withdrawal From Children Syndrome (WFCS) the symptoms of which manifest primarily through crying jags and earnestly telling younger mothers to “Cherish these moments. It goes SO fast.”  WFC syndrome is easily cured by a trip to Italy.

Tuesday, August 5, 2014


So to discourage you from eating pork the anti meat people like to say “Oh pigs are smart.  They are as smart as a human child.”  I have two things to say: smart only matters when choosing a lawyer or accountant AND when they say human child, you probably think of this:

You CAN’T eat that!  Too cute! 

What they fail to mention is that what they really mean is this: 

Go ahead, enjoy your bacon!