Tuesday, March 25, 2014

I LOVE being a Mom! Really!!

I was going to post this on Mother’s Day but then I thought everyone would say I was being “negative” (those are air quotes, not real quotes) on a day that should be about being “positive.” (air quotes again)  Also, let me say upfront that I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE my children. I think they are miracles and wonderful and charming and funny and I wouldn’t trade them and I would literally die for them without a second thought.......

That said,

Eleven Things I HATE about being a mother:

1)  In a perilous situation I don’t get to just run for my life anymore. I’m expected to gather up the spawn and probably any other kiddos that happen to be around even if they aren’t my own.

2) Socks.  I was prepared for the laundry.  Everyone goes on about that, but what I was not prepared for was the socks.  SO MANY SOCKS to be matched and lost and left on the sofa and the counter and inside the dog’s stomach…..……. 

3) When there is a shortage of something or we run out of something I have to give my part up to the kids.  I’ll say it, I don’t like sharing my dessert OR my bacon.

4) Homework!  “Did you do it?  I know you hate it. No I don’t know how to do that.  Did you look it up? I don’t care what the teacher says, Wikipedia is fine. No I don’t know when you will use it.  So you can get a job and not live in our basement forever.  For the love of God, just do it……

5) Having to be talk to and be friendly with people I would never spend 10 seconds with just because my kid loves their kid. Not you though. YOU are amazing!

6) The music.  From the Wiggles to this Karmin (really?) its killing me. Hits 1 is supposed to be “top 40 hits” but as far as I can tell there are only 10 “hits” and they play them over and over and OVER!  Lorde, we get it : You will never be Royal.  Give it a rest already!

7) Head lice.  Seriously, where are they going to school?  The Mayflower?

8) Other people’s kids. But not yours.  YOUR kids are amazing!

9) Nickelodeon and Disney Channel.  All this money and effort and they still can’t make anything to beat Bugs Bunny.

10) I can’t remember where my hips and breasts used to be.  Advice to youngsters: take a naked picture of yourself before you have kids.  I know, you are fat, you totally hate your body, blah, blah, blah…  Trust me darling, give it 10 years and couple of kids and you would sell your F*&%#@g soul for that hot mess of a body!  It will also be a useful point of reference for your plastic surgeon.

11) Mompetition (Mom Competition)  Its totally stupid.  It would be way cooler if we just had a dance off at the bus stop!

Thursday, March 6, 2014

What if God Was One of Us? Specifically ME!

I’ve always thought of the things I would do if I were God.  I'm fairly certain I could sort the world out if given a couple of weeks of unbridled power.  So I was thinking about what I would do after of course, fixing all the disease, war, pain and suffering.  Here is my preliminary list. (Notice how beautiful and flowy my God hair is! I don't know why my breasts are crooked - nobody's perfect)

10 Things I would do if I were God:

1) Just admit that menstruation was a gamble and an epic fail.  New system implemented immediately.

2) More narwhals. 

3) When you get too old to have sex you become just like a Barbie because really, who likes old, dormant genitals?

4) Give dolphins the ability to fight back, possibly by cross breeding with narwhals - open to suggestions.

5) Salvation would be determined solely on how well you drive.  Put down the phone and use your blinker!

6) Declare an end to intolerance, starting with lactose intolerance. Its not ok.

7) Talking dogs, with the option of a non-talking dog. Whichever you prefer.

 8) David Sedaris is my official spokesman and official best friend. So basically Jesus but more hilarious. 

9) Walrus president because he would be “tusk on crime" and I think, super into the environment.

10)  One Commandment - "Don't be an asshole." I think everyone knows what that means.

What would you do if you were God?

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

5 Ways in Which Your Dog is Exactly Like Your Worst College Roommate.

1) He vomits on the floor and walks away.
2) She eats your food.
3) He humps your girlfriend.
4) She farts and acts like nothing happened.

5) He watches you have sex.