Wednesday, May 27, 2015

Thong Thoughts

You know, my mother always said: “One thing a lady should NEVER get accustomed to is anything in her ass.”  I’ve kept this in my mind lo these many years and I have watched in horror as the thong has only grown in popularity.  Every time I hear woman who swears that “my thong is so so comfortable, I don’t even know it is there” I want to scream at the top of my lungs: “DON’T YOU SEE, NOW THEY HAVE FOOLED US INTO STICKING STRINGS UP OUR ASSES!! DON’T FALL FOR IT!!!”  Floss your teeth, not your ass!

I have to say, I like panty lines on men and women.  Because when I see panty lines I know for a fact that there are then 4 layers of fabric between my genitalia and theirs, which is really MY minimum, but I mean in an ideal world we would be talking 6 to 12 layers. Anyway I know there is a whole school of folks who like their business to be “free” but I am not one of those people.  I think everyone should keep that shit seriously locked down. As far as I am concerned here are things that should be free like kittens, basic health care and cable tv and things that should not be free like tigers, Bernie Madoff and genitalia. 

If there were no men, every day would be Sunday afternoon.  Women wouldn’t wear thongs, we’d wear sweat pants, Flashdance tops and messy buns.  Yes, I know I just described MY everyday uniform.  That is a coincidence but it does show how evolved I am.  In the end just like the Brazillian waxing, and anal bleaching (YES, ANAL BLEACHING), we ladies subject ourselves to ridiculous indignities and discomforts for the pleasure of men and there is simply NO equivalent for them.  I think lady parts need a union. 

Maybe I can be the Norma Rae of lady business? I wish I was better at Photoshop because there is a badass image of me in my head, resplendent in a giant replica uterus (that’s for you Liz) holding a sign that says “UNION” in my head) – Like this:

But with more uterus.   

Currently crafting the lyrics to our theme song which will be sung to the tune of Twisted Sister’s “We’re Not Gonna Take It”.  This will be our flag: 

Thursday, May 7, 2015


So in an effort to turn around flagging sales McDonalds is changing its menu AND a beloved character too.  It seems they have decided to the take the benign cartoon Hamburglar of our youth; you know the one who sounds like a turkey and looks like Alfred E. Newman's brother who went a little too far with a bottle of QT.  

And replace him with this guy:

Look kids!! A fella who looks like he might not only take your dollar value meal, but he might also throw you in the back of his windowless van, rape you and leave you for dead.  Brilliant marketing, replace your cartoon mascot with the physical embodiment of the man that mothers tell their children to stay away from.  So, yeah, smooth move Ex-Lax.  I have to put my face into my palm and spend the evening wondering "What were the pitches that they turned down?"  Was there one where Ronald was now a PIMP and Grimace managed the girls while Mayor McCheese takes kickbacks and looks the other way?  And there are brilliant people who can't find a decent job in marketing....sigh.  

(Oh and spell check doesn't recognize Hamburglar.  Where have YOU been spell check?  Get with the times)