Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Are You Still HOT?

Once upon a time you were the toast of the town or at least the toast of campus. Now with the passing of a couple of decades you may think to yourself “Hey, I’ve still got it”.  But if you have any lingering doubt, I’m here to help.  No, I’m not going to send Lorenzo Lamas to your home with a laser pointer.  Instead, I’ve created a list of indicators so you can see for yourself if you are indeed a MILF or if you’ve sadly become what I call, a MILDEW (Mother I Like but Don’t Ever Want).  Read and learn:

Signs you are no longer hot:              
  •   Crocs
  •  When you go out to a bar with your girlfriends, dressed to the nines, your husband doesn’t express the slightest concern that you might stray.
  • Crocs and socks.
  • Your underwear is comfortable, made of cotton and, in a pinch could be used as a sail for a small boat.
  •  You get pulled over……………………. and get a ticket.
  • You run in the neighborhood everyday in short shorts and a tank yet when you see a neighbor’s husband at back to school night he pauses and says “Oh, I didn’t recognize you without the dog” (true story)
  • You pay to get into bars.
  • When lifting weights at the gym you often catch one nipple looking straight ahead, paying attention and another looking out the window.
  • You have a bottle of Regenerist on your nightstand.
  • You purchase your own cocktails.
  • When you go shopping for jeans they need a ladder to get the dust covered jeans in your size off the tippy top shelf.
  • No more catcalls, not even in Italy.
  • No matter how much you work out, the only thing that changes is what trimester you appear to be in.
  • Your children ask you NOT to wear a bathing suit when their friends come over to swim.
  • You’ve ever asked for a “practical” hairstyle.
  • In order to ensure that your breasts are not mistaken for a fanny pack, you are forced to employ rigging that would rival Cirque de Soleil’s set up.
  • You wash your hair every other day.
  • You suggest a little romance to your husband on a school night no less, and he replies “Ehhh, alright.”
  • You’re gellin'.
  • Your OB/GYN hands you a brochure for vaginal rejuvenation.
  • TWO letters …………X and L.

Monday, September 12, 2011


Brazillian, rejuvenation, vajazzale.  They sound like words to describe a fantastic vacation or exotic getaway, but they are not.  They are words that describe the horrid things that women--mostly young--are being encouraged to do to their lady parts.    For those who don’t subscribe to Cosmo, I will give a brief description of each atrocity.  I will be using some grown up words…so beware.

Brazillian wax

There used to be a time when a gal simply needed to work on the margins of their lady pie.  A little razor or Nair to take care of the stragglers that dared to grow beyond the confines of the French cut bathing suit.  No more! A little edging is now considered insufficient.  It is becoming de rigeur for women to remove ALL the hair down there--from the top of their mons pubis all the way around to their anus by ripping the hairs out with HOT WAX.  This is a procedure that inevitably involves lying splayed out on a table in the presence of a stranger whose credentials probably consist of a few seminars at the Days Inn Newark Airport.  Sometimes gals follow this up with the ever pleasant anal bleaching.  HELLO!  How does that conversation go: 

“Hi, I’m Debbie”
“I am Svetlana.  Remove your panties.”
“Ummm, ok, I just wanted to get things cleaned up you know. Do I just lay over here? Yes, ok should I have stretched before?”
Grabbing leg and throwing it over her shoulder: “I give you Brazillian.  Your pom pom like little baby when I’m finished. Then leetle bleach on the back door.  Presto! You fresh like my leetle cousin Veronika.”

More than that, I have to wonder:

A. Seriously, who does this to themselves?
B. Who says “When I grow up, I would like to spend my days ripping pubic hairs from women’s bodies”  WHO? 
C. What kind of man would interested in being with a woman who resembles a pre-pubescent girl?  Where’s Chris Hanson when you need him?

Vaginal rejuvenation

I’m sure there are women who, after pushing a couple of people out of their vaginas, have thought to themselves, “Have I made a country lane into a super highway?” Well, there is now an entire cultural machine that will make every woman feel self conscious about the status of her vagina.  The good news is that there is a whole mess of plastic surgeons out there who are more than willing to make your vagina like a straight jacket!   Now, let me say at the outset, I’m all for fixing things that have been broken, and I know there’s a lot that can and does go wrong in the birthing process.  So, if you had a traumatic birth, no need to be all Humpty Dumpty about it, put it back together, absolutely.  What I am NOT a fan of is this idea that a woman who is 40 should have knives and lasers taken to her private parts in order have the vagina of a 14 year old girl.   Frankly, if I’m going to pay that kind of money to take knives or lasers to anything, its gonna be something the whole world will see! 

If you aren’t up for the lasers you can try Benwa balls  ( ).  Oh, yes, they have exercise equipment for your vagina!  Can’t believe I haven’t seen a late night infomercial for these.  Terrific, not only do I have to run every day and do pilates, NOW I’ve got to somehow fit in (no pun intended) my vagina workout! Ok, pun intended.

Finally, the Vajazzale and the Vatoo

After a Brazillian, there is a trend where women will then cover their pubic area with Swarovski crystals.  I’m sure that’s just what Daniel Swarovski had in mind in 1895 when he started his company.  Nothing says classy and sexy at the same time like a grown woman’s private parts bedazzled with Austrian crystals in the shape of Hello Kitty. 

If a gal is on a budget and can’t swing the crystals, she can go for the Vatoo, which is a spray on tattoo for your privates.  Yes, exactly like the ones they put on little girls’ FACES on the boardwalk!  They have little designs like butterflies and daisies, but I’m guessing men would be more excited if you put little messages there:  “Afterwards, no talking, just sleep;” “There are buffalo wings in the fridge;”  “If you are quick, we can watch Entourage together.”

I can see putting a craft project down there sounding fun if you are twelve.  But then again, if you are twelve, the only thing you should be jazzing up is the cover of your Trapper Keeper.

One of the Real Housewives of NYC (Cindy Barshop) has a shop that specializes in hair removal.  I wasn’t aware that it was something in which someone might specialize.  I generally think of specialties as things like surgery, rocket science, veterinary medicine even horticulture, but I guess this is America; one can specialize in anything they want.  Apparently, Cindy was inspired to open her line of salons “13 years ago due to her own hair hardships.”  HAIR HARDSHIPS! Who knew there were vast groups of people suffering hardships because of unwanted body hair?  Before Cindy, they suffered in silence. But that Steinbeck was still around to chronicle their plight.  He could have done a trilogy: Of Mice and Men, Grapes of Wrath, Hairowing Tales from the City.

Let’s be honest, if anyone’s nethers need some dressing up, it’s the men.  That whole jumble is practically crying out for modification.  It’s a hot mess really.  When they start ripping the hair from their testicles, surgically lifting them and bedazzling them with crystals to create “disco balls”, then maybe, maybe, I would advocate some reciprocal effort on the part of women.  

Until then, resist the siren song of Cosmo and the and repeat after me……….”My vagina is good enough, its tight enough and doggone it, people like it”.