Wednesday, February 1, 2017

Beyonce let me down. She let me down hard.

So by now, pretty much everyone has heard the news that Beyoncé is expecting and has seen the Instagram photo announcing the big news. If you missed it, here is it is:

I bet many of you are asking the same questions I am:

First, is this for real or just her entry for Awkward Family Photos?

What’s with the netting?  Is she some kind of pregnant fish or mermaid that Jay Z picked up in the nets off his yacht OR…. is it an existential statement on the Zika virus and her fear of it?

Are those real flowers? I’d expect Bey to have real flowers but if I’m honest, they look fake AND kind of like an arrangement one might see at a mafia funeral. I mean just add “JOEY GUMS” in carnations and you are good to go.

Why is she sitting like that? That looks like it hurts. No one over 12 sits like that. Related question – how many people had to help her get up?

Why the blue ruffled panties and the burgundy bra? A matching set would have been nicer. I mean blue and burgundy don’t even go together. Though maybe the blue panties are a subliminal message that one is a boy and the other is whatever gender burgundy stands for?

Is she holding the babies in with her hands? Why do women do that – like pretend that they are holding their babies while they a doing just fine being held by her uterus?

Is she planning to tell her babies: “When we announced your birth, we thought the best thing to do was for me to get into a mismatched set of underwear and sit in front of a huge flower arrangement under a net to let people know how excited we were!”?

I bet her uterus hurts already and she can’t sleep more than 3 hours without having to pee. Pregnancy is a great equalizer. You can buy fancy cream for stretch marks but everybody has the same bladder.

Who took the picture? Did she get this done at the Glamour Shots at the Short Hills Mall or is it just a really hard working Sears Portrait artist?

I guess I’m glad for them. I mean as glad as one can be when a stranger posts a picture of themselves under a net, ostensibly in a forest to tell you they are having babies but really -- YOU. ARE. Beyoncé!  BEYONCÉ!! There’s nothing worse than when super rich people do crappy shit I could do myself.  You are supposed to represent the unattainable.  I want to see a picture of you and think to myself "Must be nice to have that much money. I bet I could look that good if I had that kind of cash." Now every girl from Weehawken to Little Rock is going to do something like this. I DON'T WANT BEYONCÉ TO LOOK LIKE EVERYONE ELSE! I can see everyone else anytime I want at the 7-11 on a Friday night! I expect Beyoncé too look like Beyoncé.  I expected something with flair, something with flash, something with class. I expected more Beyoncé. I expected more.