Monday, February 13, 2012

Your Vagina is NOT a Craft Project, A Manifesto – Part 2 – Your Vagina is NOT Kim Zolciak’s head.

Last time I wrote on this topic I addressed the myriad things that young women are doing to their vaginas, namely Brazilian waxes and bedazzling and “vatoos.”  Well now, Cindy Barshop of the Real Housewives of NY has taken it one step further.  At her Completely Bare salons she now offers………wait for it……………fur and feather merkins.  Don’t know what a merkin is?  I didn’t either until a couple of years ago when my friend Gladys told me (holla Gladys).  In essence, it is a pubic wig.  Originally worn by prostitutes to combat pubic lice and hide symptoms of veneral disease.  Careful fellas, there may be more than one surprise in store for you with that fancy lady show!. NICE.  Yes, now your vagina can masquerade as Kim Zolciak’s head. 

This woman is basically charging you an arm and a leg to rip out all of your pubic hair and then charging you again to put fur or feathers back there to the tune of like $300.   The website says it should last 3 days.  That’s like the gardener charging you to tear up your lawn and then charging to re-seed it.  At least with fancy lingerie you can wear it again.

The process reads like some kind of torture manual:

1. Apply hot wax to nethers.
2. Allow wax to cool.
3. Tear up wax, ripping out pubic hair in the process.
4. Use hot glue gun to apply fur to said area.

At the end of this your vagina is going to be so used an abused you won’t be able to feel a thing.   Having the fanciest vagina in town really must be something.

With a little intrepid research I did find one salon online, Ted D Bare in California (of course) that is a men’s salon that offers a “manzillian” which they describe as waxing “the back, sack and crack” – lovely.  I’m afraid to look for pictures.  I think that this is the moment when I really feel old.  What are these kids today doing spending all this time, energy and money maintaining their pubic areas,  a place that is hopefully seen by few and often in the dark.  I may not speak for all women, but I know that I speak for many when I say anything that obscures, ahem “the sack” is probably a good thing.   Much like the elephant man, there are some things that should only be seen in shadow.  As far as I can see, there are no services offered to bedazzle any male parts, which is a shame because as I said before if anything needs a little pizazz it’s “the sack” (if it existed, “the sack” would have been typed in a font called “distain”).  The really adorable thing about this site is that they do offer services for women whose parts they refer to as “your kitty” – adorable (sarcasm font)

I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it again your private parts are not a craft project and your vagina most certainly does not need a wig!

Thursday, February 2, 2012

The Dangers of Home Pregnancy Testing

So instead of parenting or housekeeping, I was flipping through my People magazine (yes, I subscribe.  How else can I hope to keep up with those Kardashians?) and I stumbled upon this advertisement.

I thought to myself  "What's this.  Can a pregnancy test give me back my pert breasts of yore that were ironically ruined by being pregnant?"  So I kept reading.  Here's the fine print.

Sadly, it doesn't say anything about pert breasts.  That sure is a big tip. I think you can also use it as a paint brush.  But mostly it was good to know that I would have "Confidence in my hands" with the "New Ergonomic Shape".  Woah, who knew that handling the home pregnancy test had been heretofore so difficult and fraught with danger of injury?  Were the previous tests coated in oil and constantly slipping from the fingers of anxious women?  How many tens of women were diagnosed with carpal tunnel syndrome before the "new ergonomic shape?"  I'm betting the only folks who truly appreciate the ergonomic function are those who work on the Maury show.  Once you start marketing your pregnancy test as ergonomic, I think you have to realize that we have reached a point where there is no distinguishable difference between these tests.  If you could figure out an easy way to fix my breasts!  Now THAT would be something to advertise!