Tuesday, December 6, 2011

A visit to the Dog ER

So, my husband ran over my dog's foot while riding a bike.  In the interest of maintaining my marriage, I will refrain from any other comment about riding a bike with a leashed dog.  Given that we both have no veterinary training, we decided on a Saturday night that we should go to the Dog ER - $100 just to walk in the door.  So, its basically like one of those clubs Paris Hilton goes to - expensive and filled with bitches.

Oh the humanity and the drama!  He threw himself on the floor in despair.  Lucky for me the doctor was a darling young man from Northern Ireland.  So I demonstrated my verbal acuity and overall worldliness by speaking in the one accent I use for all of the United Kingdom and addressed him as Governor.  Lest you think I'm totally clueless, I was astitute enough not to ask him to say "green clovers, blue diamonds and purple horseshoes."  He let the kids listen to the dog's heartbeat and showed them x-rays of some dog who had eaten sand - swell chap, all in all!  In retrospect, I should have taken his picture!

Waiting while the dog gets "shaved and cleaned" which sounds a little intimate if you ask me.  This picture makes it look like we are on the set of the Real World, but in reality we sat in these uncomfortable chairs and watched some show on Animal Planet where midgets rescue pit bulls - oddly compelling.  Lesson:  apparently some little people have trouble swimming.  Who knew?

In the end, our dog wears the cone of shame, but..............

Cue uplifting music............. he does not wear the cone alone.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Are You Still HOT?

Once upon a time you were the toast of the town or at least the toast of campus. Now with the passing of a couple of decades you may think to yourself “Hey, I’ve still got it”.  But if you have any lingering doubt, I’m here to help.  No, I’m not going to send Lorenzo Lamas to your home with a laser pointer.  Instead, I’ve created a list of indicators so you can see for yourself if you are indeed a MILF or if you’ve sadly become what I call, a MILDEW (Mother I Like but Don’t Ever Want).  Read and learn:

Signs you are no longer hot:              
  •   Crocs
  •  When you go out to a bar with your girlfriends, dressed to the nines, your husband doesn’t express the slightest concern that you might stray.
  • Crocs and socks.
  • Your underwear is comfortable, made of cotton and, in a pinch could be used as a sail for a small boat.
  •  You get pulled over……………………. and get a ticket.
  • You run in the neighborhood everyday in short shorts and a tank yet when you see a neighbor’s husband at back to school night he pauses and says “Oh, I didn’t recognize you without the dog” (true story)
  • You pay to get into bars.
  • When lifting weights at the gym you often catch one nipple looking straight ahead, paying attention and another looking out the window.
  • You have a bottle of Regenerist on your nightstand.
  • You purchase your own cocktails.
  • When you go shopping for jeans they need a ladder to get the dust covered jeans in your size off the tippy top shelf.
  • No more catcalls, not even in Italy.
  • No matter how much you work out, the only thing that changes is what trimester you appear to be in.
  • Your children ask you NOT to wear a bathing suit when their friends come over to swim.
  • You’ve ever asked for a “practical” hairstyle.
  • In order to ensure that your breasts are not mistaken for a fanny pack, you are forced to employ rigging that would rival Cirque de Soleil’s set up.
  • You wash your hair every other day.
  • You suggest a little romance to your husband on a school night no less, and he replies “Ehhh, alright.”
  • You’re gellin'.
  • Your OB/GYN hands you a brochure for vaginal rejuvenation.
  • TWO letters …………X and L.

Monday, September 12, 2011


Brazillian, rejuvenation, vajazzale.  They sound like words to describe a fantastic vacation or exotic getaway, but they are not.  They are words that describe the horrid things that women--mostly young--are being encouraged to do to their lady parts.    For those who don’t subscribe to Cosmo, I will give a brief description of each atrocity.  I will be using some grown up words…so beware.

Brazillian wax

There used to be a time when a gal simply needed to work on the margins of their lady pie.  A little razor or Nair to take care of the stragglers that dared to grow beyond the confines of the French cut bathing suit.  No more! A little edging is now considered insufficient.  It is becoming de rigeur for women to remove ALL the hair down there--from the top of their mons pubis all the way around to their anus by ripping the hairs out with HOT WAX.  This is a procedure that inevitably involves lying splayed out on a table in the presence of a stranger whose credentials probably consist of a few seminars at the Days Inn Newark Airport.  Sometimes gals follow this up with the ever pleasant anal bleaching.  HELLO!  How does that conversation go: 

“Hi, I’m Debbie”
“I am Svetlana.  Remove your panties.”
“Ummm, ok, I just wanted to get things cleaned up you know. Do I just lay over here? Yes, ok should I have stretched before?”
Grabbing leg and throwing it over her shoulder: “I give you Brazillian.  Your pom pom like little baby when I’m finished. Then leetle bleach on the back door.  Presto! You fresh like my leetle cousin Veronika.”

More than that, I have to wonder:

A. Seriously, who does this to themselves?
B. Who says “When I grow up, I would like to spend my days ripping pubic hairs from women’s bodies”  WHO? 
C. What kind of man would interested in being with a woman who resembles a pre-pubescent girl?  Where’s Chris Hanson when you need him?

Vaginal rejuvenation

I’m sure there are women who, after pushing a couple of people out of their vaginas, have thought to themselves, “Have I made a country lane into a super highway?” Well, there is now an entire cultural machine that will make every woman feel self conscious about the status of her vagina.  The good news is that there is a whole mess of plastic surgeons out there who are more than willing to make your vagina like a straight jacket!   Now, let me say at the outset, I’m all for fixing things that have been broken, and I know there’s a lot that can and does go wrong in the birthing process.  So, if you had a traumatic birth, no need to be all Humpty Dumpty about it, put it back together, absolutely.  What I am NOT a fan of is this idea that a woman who is 40 should have knives and lasers taken to her private parts in order have the vagina of a 14 year old girl.   Frankly, if I’m going to pay that kind of money to take knives or lasers to anything, its gonna be something the whole world will see! 

If you aren’t up for the lasers you can try Benwa balls  (http://www.revirgination.net/kegel_exerciser.html ).  Oh, yes, they have exercise equipment for your vagina!  Can’t believe I haven’t seen a late night infomercial for these.  Terrific, not only do I have to run every day and do pilates, NOW I’ve got to somehow fit in (no pun intended) my vagina workout! Ok, pun intended.

Finally, the Vajazzale and the Vatoo

After a Brazillian, there is a trend where women will then cover their pubic area with Swarovski crystals.  I’m sure that’s just what Daniel Swarovski had in mind in 1895 when he started his company.  Nothing says classy and sexy at the same time like a grown woman’s private parts bedazzled with Austrian crystals in the shape of Hello Kitty. 

If a gal is on a budget and can’t swing the crystals, she can go for the Vatoo, which is a spray on tattoo for your privates.  Yes, exactly like the ones they put on little girls’ FACES on the boardwalk!  They have little designs like butterflies and daisies, but I’m guessing men would be more excited if you put little messages there:  “Afterwards, no talking, just sleep;” “There are buffalo wings in the fridge;”  “If you are quick, we can watch Entourage together.”

I can see putting a craft project down there sounding fun if you are twelve.  But then again, if you are twelve, the only thing you should be jazzing up is the cover of your Trapper Keeper.

One of the Real Housewives of NYC (Cindy Barshop) has a shop that specializes in hair removal.  I wasn’t aware that it was something in which someone might specialize.  I generally think of specialties as things like surgery, rocket science, veterinary medicine even horticulture, but I guess this is America; one can specialize in anything they want.  Apparently, Cindy was inspired to open her line of salons “13 years ago due to her own hair hardships.”  HAIR HARDSHIPS! Who knew there were vast groups of people suffering hardships because of unwanted body hair?  Before Cindy, they suffered in silence. But that Steinbeck was still around to chronicle their plight.  He could have done a trilogy: Of Mice and Men, Grapes of Wrath, Hairowing Tales from the City.

Let’s be honest, if anyone’s nethers need some dressing up, it’s the men.  That whole jumble is practically crying out for modification.  It’s a hot mess really.  When they start ripping the hair from their testicles, surgically lifting them and bedazzling them with crystals to create “disco balls”, then maybe, maybe, I would advocate some reciprocal effort on the part of women.  

Until then, resist the siren song of Cosmo and the Style.com and repeat after me……….”My vagina is good enough, its tight enough and doggone it, people like it”.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Lessons Learned the Hard Way

There are some lessons in life that are easy to learn: don’t touch fire, look before you cross. The logic here is easy and apparent. Then, there are those lessons that must be learned the hard way like, "too many cocktails that taste like juice will leave you in the bathroom," -- hopefully with a friend plaintively saying, “Do you want me to hold your hair?" Always keep learning, the saying goes.  I give to you a glimpse into my continuing education.

Lessons learned the hard way:

  • Cats don’t like surprises.

  • Swimsuits look a lot different on 40 year old women than they do on 20 year old models.

  • Even if they say so, mothers-in-law don’t ever, EVER want to know what you really think...about anything! 

  • There is no circumstance under which this:  

                                                                   is a good choice for me!        

  • This whole ensemble:

                         while visually appealing to your partner, is itchy! 

  • Duct tape is no substitute for professional waxing.

  • Forty is NOT the new 30.  IT IS FORTY.

  • If you weren’t cool when you were young, your teenage nieces and nephews will NOT think you are cool now.

  • Be very careful when nude:
    • If you ever find yourself nude in the presence of a friendly dog - DON’T BEND OVER!
    • Never hold a cat while nude.
    • Never cook bacon in the nude.

  • Women will tell you that you look great when you do not.  Men will not.  Pay attention to men if you truly want to know how you are doing.  Be careful of the man who tells you that you look amazing when you do not – he’s a cad.

  • Never tell people you are younger than you are. They will just think you look like crap for your age.  Always add a few years - they will tell you that you don't look a day over your actual age. (Thanks Becky)
  • I was the inspiration for the term “muffin top”.  I don't care what Stacy and Clinton say.  LOW RISE JEANS ARE NOT FOR EVERYONE! 

  • Even though you transport it there in the back of your car, nestled between your children; walking into Lowes with an empty propane tank will elicit a response not unlike walking in with an envelope filled with anthrax. 

  • Spanx alone will NOT get you into your pre-pregnancy jeans.  That will require an act of God.

  • No one else at the business dinner watches “Jersey Shore”

  • As long as you don’t have cancer, no one wants the specifics of your colonoscopy even if the doctor said you had a “beautiful colon".

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

La Guerre des Receipts!

I’m declaring a WAR on grocery store receipts!  That’s right, you heard me, an all out war on receipts.  I’m also considering a war on bulk mail but that’s another conversation.  I am firmly of the mind that absolute order and serenity are but one simple solution away.  If I could just cut down on the receipts that fill every orifice of my purse and wallet, I’m thinking the rest of my life will fall gently into line. 

Everything about my trips to the grocery have been shifted and changed.  I take my reusable bags, I deposit the plastic bags in the recycle bin out front for them to then make benches out of,  I try not to buy things with lots of packaging, I recycle seemingly every damn thing under the sun, I no longer bag my produce to save a bag (I’m even green with my greens). So it is with a particularly high level of fury that after jumping through all these hoops, the grocery makes no efforts and presents me with a receipt on to which, I swear, you could copy the full text of Odysseus – FOR TWO ITEMS; a pepper and some mushrooms!

After making a record of my purchases, the grocery feels the need to further stratify every single data point they have for me; gas points, school points, savings today, savings for the year, savings yesterday, savings I could have if I purchase a goat.  The only way I could use this receipt is if I hooked up with those Extreme Coupon nutcases or if I were camping and short on toilet paper.

To make matters worse there are these ads and coupons on the back of the receipt.  Hand to God, I have never met a living soul who has used a coupon from the BACK of the receipt and the irony is that the bulk of the ads are for jobs selling ads: ON THE BACK OF RECEIPTS!  It’s like standing between two mirrors.

Your business with
(Picture of guy who looks like Will Arnett holding a wind up clock)

WHAT?  If you read them out loud, they read like a cross between olde tyme radio ads and a telegram.   

“Don’t sell yourself short
If you are underpaid…
Outside Sales Experience Necessary
For Immediate Consideration Call: 800-IMA-DOUCHE
(Pictures of hundred dollar bills)

I’m going to call that number tomorrow to see if I can figure out what on earth they have going on.  I am underpaid, grossly.  Alas, I have no outside sales experience; will have to rely on my wits.

Returning to my original point. Its too much paper, no one needs or wants or needs them, they are storing all my data anyway so they can give me shopping suggestions on the self-scanner: “If you like cheese sticks, you might like pepperoni.”  Truly, we’d all be better served if it said; “We see you’ve purchased five cans of Pringles.  If you are purchasing bulk amounts of canned chips that don’t expire until 2020, we suggest that you head over to the produce section or at least swing by the pharmacy for some Lipitor - $2 off”. 

So what I think I’m going to do, besides trying to secure a position based upon the sole qualification that I am underpaid; is save all my receipts from Giant and mail them to corporate with a note, kindly asking them to STOP THE INSANITY!  Where is Susan Powter when you need her?   

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Things People Say - Exhibit 1

Exhibit 1 - She looks like all new moms; fat and tired which in print equals "radiant".


Wednesday, July 6, 2011

The Things People Say

There are a couple of times in your life where you will not be at your best and yet people will feel compelled to use flattering adjectives to describe your state of being.  Knowing that you are fragile, people will very badly want to make you feel better about your awful state, but its truly so grotesque and hopeless, that they will struggle to do so.  

I’m talking about when you are pregnant and when you are old.   I’m sure you are saying to yourself “How will I know when a compliment is genuine?”  There are but four words to look for: “radiant”,“spry” and “still sharp”. They are easy to spot because they are literally NEVER used to compliment any other group of people.

Scenario #1: There you are, 8 months pregnant.  There is an entire human being in your abdomen.  You put on your best maternity wear, a little make up, maybe even a heel?  You look in the mirror and say to yourself “Gotcha world.  Not too shabby – a little fuller, but certainly passable – maybe even sexy to some?”  

Then it happens - you run into a friend and they say “Oh, pregnancy agrees with you.  You look …… radiant”.  This is the moment you realize what everyone won’t say to you: you look more like Violet Beauregard than Heidi Klum. Your only option at this point is to simply must straighten your spine, smile nicely and make a solemn vow to egg their house……….. once you can run again.

Scenario #2: Flash forward, you are 80. When you are older, people like to talk about your state in front of you – dunno why.  Now in the interest of believability all adjectives that relate to attractiveness are tabled – I mean even YOU wouldn’t buy “Wow Margaret, you are HOT”.  So generally compliments relate to your ability to get around and your grasp of reality.  

The conversations are as follows:  You are mall walking and you see a neighbor shopping with her child: “Wow Margaret, way to move.  You sure are spry” OR after a discussion of world affairs at a multigenerational gathering  “I can’t believe you are 80.  I hope I’m still so sharp when I’m your age”.  Now, given that you’ve got limited time to plot revenge, your best bet is to take advantage of the latitude given to the elderly, and hit them with an open hand.  Show ‘em how spry you truly are!  Trust me, you can get away with anything.  Remember the Comcast Grandma?  

If she was 30, people would say she was crazy – but since she was 75, she was the cuddly little Nanna with a hammer that Comcast just pushed too far!
I can’t wait to be 75!

Thursday, June 30, 2011

Great Things About Suburbia - Part 1

Oh I know, suburbia gets a bad rap: cookie cutter houses, vapid housewives, spoiled children, closet internet porn addiction; but there are many good, even great things about living in suburbia which I will periodically profile here.  Today I will speak to one of the lesser known perks of living here which is the ability to judge people by their recycling bin.

One of the cardinal rules of suburbia these days is that while we all speak to community, we really don’t want to associate with the people who live close to us.  The people who used to live across the street from us had 4 kids. You could have plastered myriad milk cartons and billboards with their mugs and I couldn’t have told you where they lived.   Its like the Truman Show.  Everyone has all the trappings of a family; a playset, lacrosse net, bikes in the yard, but you never see any kids, ever.  They don’t even wait at the bus stop.  They sit in their cars and emerge only when the bus pulls up.  Since everyone is cocooned in their house with their electronics, how can we know who we are living with? My friends, you can tell them by their recycling.  You can find out how much they paid for their house from Zillow. 

I enjoy walking my dog,  
because it keeps both of us fit, makes him sleep, and on Thursdays it allows me to peek into the private lives of our neighbors who unwittingly put their “business” out on the curb each week. 

There’s the couple who like to saunter around the neighborhood in the evenings, glasses in hand who predictably have a recycling bin full of Yellow Tail – big bottles! Oh how I envy their fortitude! If I did that, I'd be curled up in bed before America's Got Talent.

We have the couple who have a new baby (#3) who say “Oh everything is great” with a tight smile every time we see them, but the new stroller box surrounded by empty Corona and Yuengling cases belies that claim – they are outnumbered and understaffed. 

The kid who is always getting in trouble on the bus – bin full of Coke and Sunny D.

The house next door that seems to eat people and pets.  They have a 1st grader and a Golden Retriever who I have seen, literally 4 times since we moved in.  They have an invisible fence, for what I can only presume is an invisible dog.  Maybe the kid is a rental, I don’t know. What I do know is they get their trash picked up twice a week, but there never really seems to be anything in it. Spooky. 

There’s the Costco fans (as evidenced by the huge sized containers) and the divorced dude who you never see but is clearly drowning his sorrows. 

But the worst of all is the people with 4 trash cans and a recycle bin with like 2 milk jugs in it.  Makes me want to hire a raccoon,  

to make a hit on their garbage.

Friday, June 24, 2011

The Real Room Mothers of Potomac

All over the country, I know there are little girls who dream of being a stay-at-home-mom (SAHM).  They spend their days anticipating the time when they can wear black yoga pants and a ponytail to the grocery.  They dream of mornings spent watching “The View” and afternoons happily volunteering at the kids’ school.  Well, I’m here to tell them that while there is plenty of time to walk your Labradoodle with your girlfriends and learn from Barbara Walters, there is a much darker side.  The world of the stay at home mom can be much like Fight Club, but with manicured hands, and words as weapons.  If you aspire to be a SAHM, proceed with caution and don’t ever get a tiny dog that would lose a fight to a cat.  Its not o.k. 

Below are exchanges with my “co-room mothers” at my children’s school regarding the year-end party.  Read all the way to end – it’s a doozy.  I am “K”, the krazee lady is “T”, Mrs. C is the 4th grade teacher and “P” is the other room mom who just handles the money. Yes, that’s a lot of women to throw 3 parties for a bunch of 4th graders.


---------Original Message------ 

From: Mrs. C
To: K
Sent: Friday, June 3, 2011 9:19:08 AM

Subject: Last day schedule

Hi Mrs. E,
Here is the schedule for the final half day, Thursday June 16.

10:40 - 11:10 - fourth grade lunch- this is so that students do not miss their specials on early release days.

11:10 - 11:25 - fourth grade recess outside

11:25 - 12:10 fourth grade specials- music art etc.

12:10 - 12:50 - ice cream sundaes in the class room provided by room mothers, recess outside if time.  
If there are any changes you will be the first to know!!
1:00 - dismissal

Thanks!!  Mrs. C

-----Original Message-----

From: K
To: Mrs. C
Subject: Re: Last day schedule

Ah, you are a peach Mrs. C - thanks for sorting this out.  I'm sure it was more work than it should have been, but I appreciate it!  We'll take it from here!


-----Original Message------
From: P
To: K; T
Sent: Friday, June 03, 2011 9:51 AM

Subject: RE: Last day schedule

Hi Ki and T ,

I have not received any responses to my email “offering” a last opportunity to donate to the class.  So, $300 is what we are left with.  I am more than willing to donate some more money so Mrs. C can have a nice gift.


----- Original Message -----

From: T
To: P; K
Sent: Tuesday, June 7, 2011 9:59:27 AM

Subject: YEAR END PARTY for Fourth Grade
P and K:

I ran the idea of popsicles by my daughter and she was thinking they were going to have ice cream Sundays and I think the other kids were also.

Some of the parents really want to be part of the parties so I suggest that:

(1) I send out a Sign Up Genie for ice cream, toppings, whip cream, etc. so they can all make their own ice cream Sundays. Parents really love to be part of this.

(2) I will get pails and put their names on the pails and fill them with soakers, balls or water toys, light sticks and all sorts of summer toys. I can put some items also in the Sign Up Genie so we can keep the costs down.

I really want them to have a super party and a really nice goody bag to take home. I went to a pool party the weekend for a fourth grader this weekend and her pail that we made with her name on it that we made for her in kindergarten was next to her pool. So she still had it 4 years later.  I will find out about the 25 student. Unfortunately, most things are sold by the dozen  so this could be difficult unless I mix up the items a bit. I will ask Mrs. C what the situation is.       K maybe you could think of a game or a craft to fill the extra time. I think we will only have time for one small thing.

Please let me know what you think. I can get the Sign Up Genie out today and order the goody bag items today.


-------Original Message--------
From: K  
To: T
Cc: P

Sent: Tuesday, June 07, 2011 12:21 PM

Subject: Re: YEAR END PARTY for Fourth Grade

T, while I appreciate you wanting the kids to have a great party, the rub is that this is supposed to be a very low key "celebration", not a party since technically we are supposed to be having instruction all the way up to the end to meet state and federal requirements.  So, we can't have a bunch of parents coming in and we just have the 40 minutes to achieve it.  So I think we can do sundaes and some playtime outside.  The office is pretty adamant about this not being a big deal.  I would contact them re: whether we can even do goody bags before you put too much effort into it.  As I said before, I'm happy to get the ice cream and fixins.

P, I think $300 is a sufficient gift for Mrs. C.


----- Original Message -----

From: T
To: K 

Cc: P
Sent: Wednesday, June 8, 2011 10:53:14 AM

Subject: RE: YEAR END PARTY for Fourth Grade
K and P:
I contacted Mrs. C and she said that Ice Cream Sundays and Goody Bags are fine for the party.

I sent out a Sign Up Genius for the Ice Cream Sunday items for Ice Creams, toppings, sprinkles, cherry and whip cream and for extra toys and candy for the Goody Bags.

I found draw string bags, bracelets, toys, candy, stickers all in a Fourth of July theme. The bags are 101/2 inches so if parents want to contribute to the goody bags they can.

I will send out another email reminding everyone that there are NO NUTS allowed for anything.

We probably have time for one short game either inside or outside for 15 minutes. K can you take care of the game and I will also probably need help dishing out the ice cream, syrups, toppings, whip cream and cherries.

Let me know if you can get a game and help dish out the ice ream sundays for the party. I also forgot to ask for bowls and spoons if you can bring those.Thanks.


------Original Message-------
From: K
To: T
Sent: Thursday, June 09, 2011 11:03 AM

Subject: Re: YEAR END PARTY for Fourth Grade

T -  I was surprised and perplexed by your decision to move forward with the over-the-top sundae party despite the school's direction that it must be a low-key event.  I'm not sure whether you failed to read my message or simply chose to disregard it. 

In either case, I am not comfortable asking parents to contribute additional items given that most families already donated to the class fund and expected that it would cover these events.  I also don't wish to be affiliated with the party since you've disregarded the school's wishes by making it a big event and inviting other parents.  At this point, it's all yours.

Because I committed to be a room parent, I will be there to help with the sundaes.  However, I won't be planning a game since the "clap out" is at 12:30pm, which means we have 20 minutes for sundaes at best. 


-----------Original Message--------

From: T
To: K
Cc: P
Sent: Thursday, June 9, 2011 12:55:27 PM
Subject: Your email is insulting

I was shocked by the tone of your email to me. In all my years in school and I have never had anyone speak to me in this manner and quite frankly I am VERY insulted.

I did read your email and I contacted Mrs. C. She said it was fine to have both an Ice Cream Sunday and a goody bag. So I checked with the teachers and found out that you were wrong. I also informed you that I was going to ask the parents to help with the ice cream and goody bags BEFORE I sent out the sign up genius.

You are wrong again; there were a lot of families that did not contribute. Both P S and I put in our own money since there were a lot of parents that did not contribute anything. The parents were informed up front that the donations were for the 2 teacher gifts and for the decorations for the party. The donations were NOT for the food. That was very clear in the email. Also the parents have always brought the food for the parties. They enjoy being part of the parties.

I would like to give the kids a nice going away goody bag for the year.

The kids and teacher loved the Valentines Party. I got lots of thank you notes.

The Halloween party that you did was really dismal and I heard a lot of complaints about it.

I was trying to make a nice party for the kids. I don’t think having ice cream is “OVER THE TOP”.

You did not help at all for the Valentine’s Party. You were supposed to be in charge of the Halloween party you deserted me alone in the class room by myself with games that I had no idea what to do. You were supposed to be at that party and you left me there alone with no instructions and I had to try and figure out what you had in mind. You asked me to have the children get on the floor and push an apple across the floor with their nose which would have them basically getting their faces on the floor which was very unsanitary.

I guess I will do another party by myself again. This is no different from last two parties. I spent days working on the Valentines party and quite a bit of time on this party and this is what I get for thanks for hours and hours of work.

I really resent your email. You are rude and ungrateful. I don’t know who you think you are to talk to other parents like that. I am doing all the work and all you can do is write nasty emails. This is really unbelievable. I have never seen anyone behave in this manner.


YIKES, somebody has got a bee in her bonnet! If she’s never seen anyone behave in this manner she must not get out much.  No one in all her years has ever called her on anything?  This email is exhibit number one in my case asserting that the school is failing to enforce its supposedly strict “NO NUTS” policy.

The escalating hysterical tone of the email is pure gold.  The very very best part is the spelling of “ice cream SUNDAYS”.  I didn’t know that when I signed up to be room mother, I was signing up for a party throwing competition.  I think we now know exactly WHO these parties are for and it isn’t the kids.

I can’t be bothered to refute all her kra-to-the-zee accusations, but suffice it to say, I’ve been at every party and felt that rather than spend $100 on crap to hang on the walls and “goody bags” full of plastic crap from Oriental Trading Company (landfill donations I call them), we could have very nice parties (cupcakes and games) and spend the bulk of the money on teacher gifts since she is the one who gets the pleasure of spending all day with our little darlings! I’m also baffled at the idea that $300 isn’t a nice enough gift for the teacher? 

My favorite line is  “you deserted me alone in the class room by myself with games that I had no idea what to do. You were supposed to be at that party and you left me there alone with no instructions and I had to try and figure out what you had in mind.” Like I left her in charge of the nuclear reactor with no instructions.

I didn’t send the angry reply she is so clearly eager for.  I simply asked her to call me so we can resolve these issues – no call yet and I don’t expect one.   

So, the question is: Is it me or is it them?