I was going to post this on Mother’s Day but then I thought
everyone would say I was being “negative” (those are air quotes, not real
quotes) on a day that should be about being “positive.” (air quotes again) Also, let me say upfront that I LOVE, LOVE,
LOVE my children. I think they are miracles and wonderful and charming and
funny and I wouldn’t trade them and I
would literally die for them without a second thought.......
That said,
Eleven Things I HATE
about being a mother:
1) In a perilous situation I don’t get to just
run for my life anymore. I’m expected to gather up the spawn and probably
any other kiddos that happen to be around even if they aren’t my own.
2) Socks. I was prepared for the laundry. Everyone goes on about that, but what I was
not prepared for was the socks. SO MANY
SOCKS to be matched and lost and left on the sofa and the counter and inside
the dog’s stomach…..…….
3) When there is a
shortage of something or we run out of something I have to give my part up to
the kids. I’ll say it, I don’t like
sharing my dessert OR my bacon.
4) Homework! “Did you do it? I know you hate it. No I don’t know how to do
that. Did you look it up? I don’t care
what the teacher says, Wikipedia is fine. No I don’t know when you will use
it. So you can get a job and not live in
our basement forever. For the love of
God, just do it……
5) Having to be talk
to and be friendly with people I would never spend 10 seconds with just because
my kid loves their kid. Not you though. YOU are amazing!
6) The music. From the Wiggles to this Karmin (really?) its
killing me. Hits 1 is supposed to be “top 40 hits” but as far as I can tell
there are only 10 “hits” and they play them over and over and OVER! Lorde, we get it : You will never be
Royal. Give it a rest already!
7) Head lice. Seriously, where are they going to
school? The Mayflower?
8) Other people’s
kids. But not yours. YOUR kids are
amazing!
9) Nickelodeon and
Disney Channel. All this money and
effort and they still can’t make anything to beat Bugs Bunny.
10) I can’t remember
where my hips and breasts used to be.
Advice to youngsters: take a naked picture of yourself before you have
kids. I know, you are fat, you totally
hate your body, blah, blah, blah… Trust
me darling, give it 10 years and couple of kids and you would sell your
F*&%#@g soul for that hot mess of a body!
It will also be a useful point of reference for your plastic surgeon.
11) Mompetition
(Mom Competition) Its totally
stupid. It would be way cooler if we
just had a dance off at the bus stop!
Great post. Really enjoyed reading it. Keep it up.
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