Thursday, March 6, 2014

What if God Was One of Us? Specifically ME!

I’ve always thought of the things I would do if I were God.  I'm fairly certain I could sort the world out if given a couple of weeks of unbridled power.  So I was thinking about what I would do after of course, fixing all the disease, war, pain and suffering.  Here is my preliminary list. (Notice how beautiful and flowy my God hair is! I don't know why my breasts are crooked - nobody's perfect)

10 Things I would do if I were God:

1) Just admit that menstruation was a gamble and an epic fail.  New system implemented immediately.

2) More narwhals. 

3) When you get too old to have sex you become just like a Barbie because really, who likes old, dormant genitals?

4) Give dolphins the ability to fight back, possibly by cross breeding with narwhals - open to suggestions.

5) Salvation would be determined solely on how well you drive.  Put down the phone and use your blinker!

6) Declare an end to intolerance, starting with lactose intolerance. Its not ok.

7) Talking dogs, with the option of a non-talking dog. Whichever you prefer.

 8) David Sedaris is my official spokesman and official best friend. So basically Jesus but more hilarious. 

9) Walrus president because he would be “tusk on crime" and I think, super into the environment.

10)  One Commandment - "Don't be an asshole." I think everyone knows what that means.

What would you do if you were God?

1 comment:

  1. 1.) I would make parking spots bigger. Not for me, but for women. Sorry, I said it, and I stand by it. 2.) I would create a separate driving lane for women, mark it 52 MPH, because that's how fast they drive. 3.) I would eliminate menstruation as well, or give men the period so they can be totally bat shit for a week each month and blame it for their being as fun as a stick-in-the-urethra. 4.) No woman would be able to cry for more than 30 seconds a month, unless it's because something is so beautiful, like the curvature of my manly chin or my penis. 5.) The words, Whatever,Ugh and UUGGHH will be deleted and eliminated from our lexicon forever. 6.) All postings on social media will have a construct that includes the cause of sadness and depression. Postings like "feelin' sad" will be met with swift and furious retribution, possibly death... wait, I sense a theme here.