I was going to post this on Mother’s Day but then I thought everyone would say I was being “negative” (those are air quotes, not real quotes) on a day that should be about being “positive.” (air quotes again) Also, let me say upfront that I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE my children. I think they are miracles and wonderful and charming and funny and I wouldn’t trade them and I would literally die for them without a second thought.......
Eleven Things I HATE about being a mother:
1) In a perilous situation I don’t get to just run for my life anymore. I’m expected to gather up the spawn and probably any other kiddos that happen to be around even if they aren’t my own.
2) Socks. I was prepared for the laundry. Everyone goes on about that, but what I was not prepared for was the socks. SO MANY SOCKS to be matched and lost and left on the sofa and the counter and inside the dog’s stomach…..…….
3) When there is a shortage of something or we run out of something I have to give my part up to the kids. I’ll say it, I don’t like sharing my dessert OR my bacon.
4) Homework! “Did you do it? I know you hate it. No I don’t know how to do that. Did you look it up? I don’t care what the teacher says, Wikipedia is fine. No I don’t know when you will use it. So you can get a job and not live in our basement forever. For the love of God, just do it……
5) Having to be talk to and be friendly with people I would never spend 10 seconds with just because my kid loves their kid. Not you though. YOU are amazing!
6) The music. From the Wiggles to this Karmin (really?) its killing me. Hits 1 is supposed to be “top 40 hits” but as far as I can tell there are only 10 “hits” and they play them over and over and OVER! Lorde, we get it : You will never be Royal. Give it a rest already!
7) Head lice. Seriously, where are they going to school? The Mayflower?
8) Other people’s kids. But not yours. YOUR kids are amazing!
9) Nickelodeon and Disney Channel. All this money and effort and they still can’t make anything to beat Bugs Bunny.
10) I can’t remember where my hips and breasts used to be. Advice to youngsters: take a naked picture of yourself before you have kids. I know, you are fat, you totally hate your body, blah, blah, blah… Trust me darling, give it 10 years and couple of kids and you would sell your F*&%#@g soul for that hot mess of a body! It will also be a useful point of reference for your plastic surgeon.
11) Mompetition (Mom Competition) Its totally stupid. It would be way cooler if we just had a dance off at the bus stop!