Wednesday, May 27, 2015

Thong Thoughts

You know, my mother always said: “One thing a lady should NEVER get accustomed to is anything in her ass.”  I’ve kept this in my mind lo these many years and I have watched in horror as the thong has only grown in popularity.  Every time I hear woman who swears that “my thong is so so comfortable, I don’t even know it is there” I want to scream at the top of my lungs: “DON’T YOU SEE, NOW THEY HAVE FOOLED US INTO STICKING STRINGS UP OUR ASSES!! DON’T FALL FOR IT!!!”  Floss your teeth, not your ass!

I have to say, I like panty lines on men and women.  Because when I see panty lines I know for a fact that there are then 4 layers of fabric between my genitalia and theirs, which is really MY minimum, but I mean in an ideal world we would be talking 6 to 12 layers. Anyway I know there is a whole school of folks who like their business to be “free” but I am not one of those people.  I think everyone should keep that shit seriously locked down. As far as I am concerned here are things that should be free like kittens, basic health care and cable tv and things that should not be free like tigers, Bernie Madoff and genitalia. 

If there were no men, every day would be Sunday afternoon.  Women wouldn’t wear thongs, we’d wear sweat pants, Flashdance tops and messy buns.  Yes, I know I just described MY everyday uniform.  That is a coincidence but it does show how evolved I am.  In the end just like the Brazillian waxing, and anal bleaching (YES, ANAL BLEACHING), we ladies subject ourselves to ridiculous indignities and discomforts for the pleasure of men and there is simply NO equivalent for them.  I think lady parts need a union. 

Maybe I can be the Norma Rae of lady business? I wish I was better at Photoshop because there is a badass image of me in my head, resplendent in a giant replica uterus (that’s for you Liz) holding a sign that says “UNION” in my head) – Like this:

But with more uterus.   

Currently crafting the lyrics to our theme song which will be sung to the tune of Twisted Sister’s “We’re Not Gonna Take It”.  This will be our flag: 

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