Dear Adele – You really have to stop calling me! Listen, that whole thing was a long, long time ago. Clearly you are still having some “issues” even though we only dated for 3 months. Your new song is longer than our relationship!
I don’t know what you think you have to apologize for. I....... broke up with..... you. Remember? I broke up with you because you were crazy and you liked to shit on my hometown. I’ve actually moved back to Cleveland, home of the Rock and Roll Hall of fame BTW, with a nice girl I met and we have a dog named Zazu.
By the way you haven’t called “a thousand times” you have called ONE THOUSAND TWO HUNDRED AND SEVENTY SIX times! Even you must see that that qualifies as obsessive and stalkerish! Now I know why it took you two years to get a new album out – you were spending all your time terrorizing us!
We actually ARE home but WE ARE AVOIDING YOU!! Seriously WHAT? WHAT? Do you want from me? Do you want me to say that it is ok that you texted knife and gun emojis to all my ex girlfriends? That it was ok that you called my mom to talk about the Rehearsal Dinner after 4 dates? 4 DATES Adele! Do you want me to say that you are right “It is totally stupid to spend a whole Sunday watching ‘American football’?”
Fine. “American Football” is stupid! Will you please leave me alone now?