I call this “Paw vs. Broken Light Bulb”.
Obvioulsy I was not the victor. I was trying to take a little initiative and clean the exterior light fixtures, one of which had a broken blub. I saw it and said “hmmm, that could be dangerous” but then I thought “I don’t want to take that out now and then have to walk alllll the way into the house to throw it away. Besides, I’m just going to clean the outside of the fixture so what could go wrong?” Well for one, old blondie here could suddenly decide to clean the inside of the fixture blissfully forgetting the bulb.
The kids heard the streak of blue streaming from my mouth and wisely made themselves scarce. It was pretty nasty, so I cleaned and bandaged it up and hoped for the best. Anyway, despite my best self- nursing care, I was still bleeding like a stuck pig so off to Right Time Urgent Care.
As an aside, I must say, what a well run operation. Made the appointment on the phone for 8:10 appointment, back in my car at 8:39!
So I roll up there trying to keep my hand up to keep the bleeding down but the end result was that I looked like I was taking an oath or testifying or something. I tell them I have an appointment and they take me right in and give me this electronic medical history pad thing to fill out. Like a Speak ‘n Spell with a touch screen. So I’m doing that with my left hand with limited success – the stylus is tricky. Meanwhile, a young man with badge that says PCT under his name comes in and starts cleaning my wound. I ask what PCT stands for and he says “Patient Care Tech” – it was more impressive in letters. Anyway, I’m joking around with him as I am wont to do in medical situations and he says to me: “So, you must be a school teacher”
Me: “Why would you think that?”
PCT: “Because you’re really funny, so you must be either a school teacher or an actress.”
Now, I don’t know where he went to school but unless you went to clown college, I don’t exactly remember any of my teachers having hilarity as a defining characteristic (my brother is the exception to this rule). So I say “Nope, I’m just a mom” as I enter “Mom Extraordinaire” under occupation on my Patient Info screen thing.
PCT: “Well, you look like an actress. You look like that hot actress in Terminator 3.”
HOLD THE PHONE – “Did you say that “hot” actress?” He says “Yeah, in Terminator 3, can’t remember her name.”
Me: “Linda Hamilton” (which is plenty good enough for me)
PCT: “no, some other girl – Terminator 3 with Arnold.”
Me: “I have no clue but you had me at “hot actress.” He could have been talking about the Human Centipede and I wouldn’t have minded. I was just enjoying the term “hot” being used in conjunction with me. Turns out he was referring to Kristanna Loken, a name the Warden came up with immediately -- hmmm, here she is:
I KNOW!! Henceforth, please replace all mental images you have of me with the image shown above! Obviously this guy is my new favorite person for the foreseeable future – “Hot girl”. I can live on this for yearzzzz!
Finally the PA (Physician Assistant – equally impressive in letters and words) comes in and he looks like Moby but with a kind of Michael Stipe edge to him. I know, its totally baldist of me but truly, unless they are really fat, all bald guys look the same to me; its just are they either kind of empathic Moby or menacing Michael Stipe. So this fellow sits down and starts sewing me up and we engage in a meaningful discussion on the role of NPs and PAs in the future of healthcare mostly because if someone is putting a needle in my skin, I want to make sure they like me. But also because healthcare and television are the only things I’m really smart at and most people don’t consider being t.v. smart, smart – so I usually go with healthcare.
Anyway, he tells me that at 40 he made whole career change and went to school to become a PA and I told him “OMG, that’s totally what I want to do!” Which IS totally what I want to do, but really only partially and really only if it didn’t involve too much work. However, I did walk away totally inspired and really considering considering, taking life by the horns and becoming the funniest PA Urgent Care has ever seen. (The medical community has really kept that bar low for me) He did give me his email if I wanted any information (wink, wink) I don’t think he meant it THAT way, but I can’t tell you the last time a fella gave me his 411 (I think that’s what the kids say today) so I included the winks. But the very best part, was that when I said “Can I just take these stiches out myself?” Not only did he say yes, buuuut he gave me my own little suture removal kit.
Self-surgery is way less authentic when you use cuticle scissors dipped in alcohol.
So kids, take it from me – Yes, sometimes that little voice in your head is the devil: “Yes, cut off all your hair”, “He’s not calling you because he is intimidated by you”, “No, you don’t need Spanx with that." But sometimes, when it comes to issues of health and safety, that little voice is right on so listen to it; keeping in mind that if you do, you won’t get hurt but you just might miss out on a super compliment and your very own suture removal kit.