Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Are You Still HOT?

Once upon a time you were the toast of the town or at least the toast of campus. Now with the passing of a couple of decades you may think to yourself “Hey, I’ve still got it”.  But if you have any lingering doubt, I’m here to help.  No, I’m not going to send Lorenzo Lamas to your home with a laser pointer.  Instead, I’ve created a list of indicators so you can see for yourself if you are indeed a MILF or if you’ve sadly become what I call, a MILDEW (Mother I Like but Don’t Ever Want).  Read and learn:

Signs you are no longer hot:              
  •   Crocs
  •  When you go out to a bar with your girlfriends, dressed to the nines, your husband doesn’t express the slightest concern that you might stray.
  • Crocs and socks.
  • Your underwear is comfortable, made of cotton and, in a pinch could be used as a sail for a small boat.
  •  You get pulled over……………………. and get a ticket.
  • You run in the neighborhood everyday in short shorts and a tank yet when you see a neighbor’s husband at back to school night he pauses and says “Oh, I didn’t recognize you without the dog” (true story)
  • You pay to get into bars.
  • When lifting weights at the gym you often catch one nipple looking straight ahead, paying attention and another looking out the window.
  • You have a bottle of Regenerist on your nightstand.
  • You purchase your own cocktails.
  • When you go shopping for jeans they need a ladder to get the dust covered jeans in your size off the tippy top shelf.
  • No more catcalls, not even in Italy.
  • No matter how much you work out, the only thing that changes is what trimester you appear to be in.
  • Your children ask you NOT to wear a bathing suit when their friends come over to swim.
  • You’ve ever asked for a “practical” hairstyle.
  • In order to ensure that your breasts are not mistaken for a fanny pack, you are forced to employ rigging that would rival Cirque de Soleil’s set up.
  • You wash your hair every other day.
  • You suggest a little romance to your husband on a school night no less, and he replies “Ehhh, alright.”
  • You’re gellin'.
  • Your OB/GYN hands you a brochure for vaginal rejuvenation.
  • TWO letters …………X and L.

1 comment:

  1. Ahhhhh, I meet ALL criteria!!! (My OB just suggested Kegals). I HATE doing Kegals. Guess I'll never have a hot vag-g again. HA.
    Gap does not even carry my size jeans. Ouch.