Wednesday, August 3, 2011

La Guerre des Receipts!

I’m declaring a WAR on grocery store receipts!  That’s right, you heard me, an all out war on receipts.  I’m also considering a war on bulk mail but that’s another conversation.  I am firmly of the mind that absolute order and serenity are but one simple solution away.  If I could just cut down on the receipts that fill every orifice of my purse and wallet, I’m thinking the rest of my life will fall gently into line. 

Everything about my trips to the grocery have been shifted and changed.  I take my reusable bags, I deposit the plastic bags in the recycle bin out front for them to then make benches out of,  I try not to buy things with lots of packaging, I recycle seemingly every damn thing under the sun, I no longer bag my produce to save a bag (I’m even green with my greens). So it is with a particularly high level of fury that after jumping through all these hoops, the grocery makes no efforts and presents me with a receipt on to which, I swear, you could copy the full text of Odysseus – FOR TWO ITEMS; a pepper and some mushrooms!

After making a record of my purchases, the grocery feels the need to further stratify every single data point they have for me; gas points, school points, savings today, savings for the year, savings yesterday, savings I could have if I purchase a goat.  The only way I could use this receipt is if I hooked up with those Extreme Coupon nutcases or if I were camping and short on toilet paper.

To make matters worse there are these ads and coupons on the back of the receipt.  Hand to God, I have never met a living soul who has used a coupon from the BACK of the receipt and the irony is that the bulk of the ads are for jobs selling ads: ON THE BACK OF RECEIPTS!  It’s like standing between two mirrors.

Your business with
(Picture of guy who looks like Will Arnett holding a wind up clock)

WHAT?  If you read them out loud, they read like a cross between olde tyme radio ads and a telegram.   

“Don’t sell yourself short
If you are underpaid…
Outside Sales Experience Necessary
For Immediate Consideration Call: 800-IMA-DOUCHE
(Pictures of hundred dollar bills)

I’m going to call that number tomorrow to see if I can figure out what on earth they have going on.  I am underpaid, grossly.  Alas, I have no outside sales experience; will have to rely on my wits.

Returning to my original point. Its too much paper, no one needs or wants or needs them, they are storing all my data anyway so they can give me shopping suggestions on the self-scanner: “If you like cheese sticks, you might like pepperoni.”  Truly, we’d all be better served if it said; “We see you’ve purchased five cans of Pringles.  If you are purchasing bulk amounts of canned chips that don’t expire until 2020, we suggest that you head over to the produce section or at least swing by the pharmacy for some Lipitor - $2 off”. 

So what I think I’m going to do, besides trying to secure a position based upon the sole qualification that I am underpaid; is save all my receipts from Giant and mail them to corporate with a note, kindly asking them to STOP THE INSANITY!  Where is Susan Powter when you need her?   


  1. OMG, so funny! And I concur - too many grocery receipts (even here in Switzerland), yet for some unknown reason I continue to save them all in a drawer in my kitchen. Why?

  2. Glad to hear there's one thing the Swiss don't do better than we do.

  3. Lol! Btw Have you never shopped a sidewalk sale? Voila, outside sales experience.