So I recently went to get my mammogram because, where else can you feel the warm, tender hands of a middle-aged woman upon your breasts and avoid dying of cancer at the same time? It’s quite a combo! It was quick and easy AND I got my letter saying that I had an amazing, cancer free rack – ok I added the “amazing” but no cancer which is a great feeling and really offsets the squish of the machine - so everyone of appropriate age and risk should not delay, but go and have the experience yourself!
I also had a pelvic ultrasound. For those of who are wondering, this is classified as the “Deluxe Lady Package Option”. Now if you haven’t had this done before, let me warn you. You will walk in the room and see this device:
This may look a little familiar and welcoming to some of you - AND you might think “a twenty dollar co-pay seems like a pretty good deal for a ‘happy ending.” DO NOT be fooled! They call it a 'wand' but it has NO magical qualities! NONE. It is basically a vibrator with no batteries – but it CAN take lovely pictures of your innards. When you are having this done you will feel a bit like the base of a joystick but it doesn’t hurt as they are pretty free with the lube. Anyway, I’m on the table talking to the tech and she took this lovely photo which I call “Ovary in Blue”.
Then she says to me: “Looks like you’ve got some follicles on your ovaries there.”
And I say: “WooHoo! Looks like I’ve still got it” (fist pump)
Tech: “You need to remain still”
Me: “Ok, sorry. Just psyched to still be in the game!”
Tech: “Oh would you like more children?”
Me: “Hell no! You’d have to find a maternity straight jacket if I found myself with a womb full! So........... would you say I have the ovaries of a 26 year old woman?”
Tech: “No, I would not say that.”
Me: “Oh, um how about the ovaries of a 36 year old woman? That’s still something.”
Tech: “Yeah, No.”
Me: “Well what would you say then?”
Tech: “I’d say you have the ovaries of a 46 year old woman.”
So in my uterus they did not find anything suspicious BUT they did find: a spinning wheel, a photo of me and Moses at his Bar Mitzvah, and a skate key I lost in 1977. Anyway, in both cases I got wonderful news, a picture and confirmation that I’ve still got it! Take care of your lady business ladies and men, check your plums!