Wednesday, April 13, 2016

If People Were More Like Dogs

You know how so many people say: “Oh I wish people were more like dogs.  If people were more like dogs the world would be a better place. They’re so chill and nonjudgmental and friendly.” 

I mean there’s so much wrong with this line of thinking, I mean first off, HOW do you know they are nonjudgmental?  How do you know that your dog isn’t walking around going “Mmm, mmm, mmm (shaking the head) Heather just can’t say no to anything. Look at that muffin top.  She should not wear a crop top EVER!” Or “Honestly that guy she is dating COULD NOT be a bigger loser if he was a Chihuahua!” 

So anyway, if people were more like dogs it would be an absolute mess.  Sure one on one your dog is pretty terrific right?  You pet him, he sits by your side and watches “Kocktails with Khloe” with you in a “nonjudgmental” fashion (or does he) but let’s scale this shit up.  If people were more like dogs it would be utter mayhem.

First of all everyone would need to greet literally every person they passed.  So, imagine you are walking to work and everyone, literally everyone is just walking up to everyone else and smelling them:
“Oh hi, I’m Jane, I’m on my period.”
“Hello, I’m Ralph, I had asparagus for dinner.”
“Hi, I’m Dave and (deep whiff) you are…..?  I like the way you smell, would you mind if I just came around behind you and….” HE'S HUMPING YOU!!

To your left, there’s the little short girl like a Chihuahua, who won’t let anyone approach her, standing in the middle of the sidewalk screaming: “I HATE ALL OF YOU!! I DON’T KNOW WHO YOU ARE? WHO ARE YOU?  DON’T EVEN THINK OF TRYING TO SMELL ME!  I WILL CUT YOU! I ………… WILL…….CUT ……….YOU!” 

I think this is why dogs don’t work. They can’t be on time with all this nonsense.

So somehow you get to work and everyone is sitting quietly doing their thing and then Glen stands up to go to the bathroom – EVERYONE has to STOP what they are doing RIGHT NOW and get up and follow Glen.

“Hey Glen! Where are you going what are you doing?”
“Yeah, Glen is there something to be alarmed about?”
“Is the fire alarm going to go off?”
“Are you going to the bathroom?”
“I need to go to the bathroom too. How about we go together and pee in the same urinal at the same time?”  Let’s do that!  I’m coming.  Hey Frank, want to come too? Hitting the urinal with Glen!” 

Then when they come back from the bathroom it is EVERYONE up again.

“Hey, where were you guys?”
“What did you do?”
“Who did you see?”
“Was it awesome?”
“We missed you. Look, I can catch my tail.”  

Meanwhile Didi the intern is just running around in circles saying: “WHAT’S GOING ON? WHY IS EVERYONE SO EXCITED? WHAT IS GOING ON?”

OR you are working on a big project:

Mary: “Ok so we all agree, we are gonna get this done.’
Everyone: “Yes, yes, yes of course. This is gonna be fantastic” group dances around.
Louise: “What’s this over here?” wanders off “Oh I need to check this out…”
Mark: “I’ll get started right awa…. Hey what is Louise doing?  Hey Louise. What are you doing? Where are you going?” wanders off to follow Louise. 

Shortly all others follow Louise to what she thought was something someone had dropped but turns out to be just an imperfection in the carpet.  Group wanders off to lunch.

Finally, imagine you are at a party. Now the nice part would be that whenever someone arrives everyone would immediately go over and greet the new arrival.  That’s nice, but then when you are all talking and enjoying yourselves and your host walks in with a tray of “Spanikopita” –

WOOSH – the whole party rushes all at once over to the table grabbing as much spanakopita as they can, pushing and shoving, even the people that don’t like spanakopita are in -  doesn’t matter, because FOOOOOODD!

I mean it would be quite simply an appalling way to live.

In the end it just isn’t practical. I don’t want people to be more like dogs.  I want them to be more like cats and leave me the fuck alone.

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