Tuesday, January 12, 2016

How my friend Andrea ruined 1.5 Billion dollars for me.

I had been having the best time with this Powerball jackpot. Yes I know it is a tax on people who don’t understand statistics but when it gets this big it’s worth a few bucks to fantasize about what I’d do. 1.5 BILLION dollars!!! Oh, I had me some big plans! It was going to be amazing.  No more rubbing elbows with the huddled masses, we’d fly private, the dogs would fly private! We’d clone the old sick cat.  My favorite phrase would be “Why yes, I think I would like that.”  My daughter and I had plans to create a farm to house our collection of miniature animals: 

tiny cows  

tiny horses for whom we would buy sweaters 

tiny goats 
 sweaters for the goats too 
heck we were even going to commission a tiny giraffe

and name him Shorty,  simply BECAUSE WE CAN - and well a tiny giraffe would be beyond!  

I would be able to exact revenge on my most hated enemies and make the wishes and dreams of my most beloved come true.  I could hire Amy Schumer, Tina Fey and Amy Poehler to be my best friends and help me write a movie about a talking cat because that cat on Sabrina the Teenage Witch was such a disappointment.  J Law and I would lay out by my pool together and dink Miller Light and tell filthy jokes to each other. I could bring back the t.v. show “The Swan.”

I could start a foundation called “How You Like Me Now?” where I would help people pull things together in time for their 20th High School Reunion.  I'm talking oligarch level living.  It was going to be…. in a word…..magical. 

Then, I talked to my friend Andrea, not you Andrea, this is “Ahndrayuh.” I was telling her of all my grand plans and she said “Oh, I don’t play the lottery.  I could never enjoy that money for it comes from the broken dreams of thousands.” And just like that – BAM, door slams shut, needle off the record – party over! Now I can’t enjoy the money either!  I’d feel like I needed to track down every sorry soul who bought a ticket 

and give them a hundred bucks and I mean, how much time is THAT going to take? I might be made of money then, but it wouldn’t buy me all the time I needed to clear my soul.  Thanks Andrea.  Knowing my luck, I’ll probably win the whole thing now.

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