So I’m generally the kind of person who supports the men and women who work in service to our country but with the release of this CIA Torture Report I’ve got to say, not cool. It’s not so much that I’m against the torture, but that I’m disappointed by their appalling lack of creativity. Sleep deprivation? Jeeze, babies invented that shit! Water boarding? Are you getting all your ideas from sleep away camp? Low temperatures? Try being the child of an economist who grew up during the Depression - no one touched that thermostat! Enemas? Celebrities pay hundreds of dollars for that at the spa!
There are tons of things that are way more effective than water boarding in breaking a person – here are 11:
1) Teaching a senior citizen how to shop on Amazon.
2) Trying to watch and explain Game of Thrones with and to, my mother in law.
3) Being mentored by Bill Cosby.
4) Listening to Tiffany’s “I Think We’re Alone Now” on an endless loop.
5) Waiting for a room full of 6 year olds to tie their shoes, over and over again.
6) Discussing current affairs with Kanye West.
7) Tell them that they will have tv....... just as soon as they get a discrepancy on their bill settled with Comcast customer service.
8) Tell them that the ending is amazing before showing them all six seasons of Lost.
9) Two words: Rick Roll
10) Two more words: Brazilian wax.
11) Go totally old school. Tickling. Imagine this scene from Zero Dark Thirty, but with tickles.
If all else fails, offer them an iPhone loaded with porn and Netflix. You get more flies with honey than vinegar my mother always said.