Simmering Woman

 

The kids out West have Burning Man which is this thing where people all gather in the desert and share stuff, walk around naked, do drugs and look at art and then at the end they burn this giant wooden man they made, hence the name Burning Man.  It looks amazing and exciting but it also looks really dirty and hot and honestly, whenever I see an operation like this I think: “Where might I find a proper bathroom?”  That’s my metric for everything –

• ·      Husband: “Let’s take a trip to India. We’ll see the Taj Mahal, eat amazing food and I hear the landscapes are amazing.”

Me: “Will there be a proper bathroom?”

• ·      Astronauts taking trip to Mars.                                                                                          “Don’t care about the science. How do they go  to the bathroom?”

• ·      Daughter: “Let’s go to the State Fair!”

Me: “Hmmm, I dunno, its kind of hard to find a decent bathroom at those things. Let’s rent the musical instead.”

So I propose my alternative to Burning Man: Simmering Woman

It will take place in my basement and cater specifically to the perimenopausal demographic.  We will burn scented candles and braid each other’s hair.  We’ll have tons of food but everyone will only eat carrots except when we make duck mouths with the Pringles and take selfies.  All attendees must wear a wedding dress. If you can still fit into your original wedding dress you are banned.  The walls will be covered with those adorable kitten and puppy posters you used to have, in addition to posters of Shaun Cassidy and Rick Springfield. 

We will watch movies that speak to our souls like “Sixteen Candles”, “The Notebook” and “Joy Luck Club”. 

We will also have workshops where we will decorate wine glasses with sassy memes like “Hot Mama” (menopause joke), “If Mamma ‘aint happy – ‘aint no one happy” and “Its Wine O’Clock”. 

We will have discussion groups with titles like:

• ·      Well you married him
• ·      Yeah, she’s a total bitch
• ·      What’s with my boobs these days?
• ·      What ever happened to Jake Ryan? We should go find him!
• ·      Ponyboy, Dallas or Sodapop?  Who was your favorite?
• ·      Viagra Blessing or Burden?
• ·      Kids these days.

Finally, we will close each gathering with Karoke with “Last Dance” as the closing hymn each evening.  EVERYONE MUST sing!

All Simmering Woman gatherings will begin at 6pm and end at the sensible hour of 11 pm AND, there will be 5 clean, shimmering bathrooms!

Post Baby Body

So I am totally inspired by Jeff Goldblum's wife who showed us what she looked like 8 DAYS after having her baby!  

So I thought I would show you how I look a mere 12 years after giving birth.  

 

Let me be clear. I'm not trying to body shame anyone.  This is just what a lousy metabolism, an affinity for wine, a disaffinity for starving and regular workouts five days a week for 12 years will get you*!  

*Individual results may vary. It is entirely possible, nay likely, that you will look a lot better.

He 'aint heavy, he's my brother..... Actually, he's a huge pain in the ass!

CNN was recently talking about Jesus’ brother James.   How awful it is to be the younger brother of Jesus Christ!? I mean honestly!    Episode 1 in my series about Jesus’ brother. (there may or may not be an episode 2)

Mary: (in the voice of Howard Stern’s mother) : 

“JAMES! Your brother Jesus cured a paralyzed man and fed a multitude at Bethesaid the other day with only seven loaves and fishes!  Did you hear that, a MULTITUDE James?!  Linda said there were at least 5 thousand people there and I can’t even get you to take out the trash.”

James: 

“First of all Mom, all my friends call me Jimbo and Jesus doesn’t even have a job! He just hangs around with those guys, his ‘disciples’ all day.”

Mary: 

“Jimbo? For the love of God! What kind of a name is Jimbo?  No one has ever heard of a Rabbi Jimbo.  And Jesus…….James, he is HEALING people for God’s sake!  I know your father would have liked him to take over the carpentry business but he is healing.  Can you imagine?  A doctor in the family?”

“As for his ‘disciples’, they are a very nice group of boys. Well except for that Iscariot boy.  What’s his name? Judas.  Yes, I don’t like that one.  He’s shifty.  You know I went to high school with his father, Simon.  Oh sure, all the parents thought he was terrific, but suffice it to say, I am not the only girl from Nazareth Regional High School Class of ’02 BC who can attest to the fact that that boy had some fast hands.   That’s all I’m saying.  He’s no good that one.”

James: 

“Its just that you always act like HE can’t do anything wrong.  He’s all like ‘I’m the son of God. You’re just the son of Joseph.’ What am I supposed to do?”

Mary: 

“What are YOU supposed to do? I don’t know James, how about you start by  getting Bar Mitzvahed?  Something simple James.  How about that?  Jesus did it at 10.  Always got one hundreds on all his religious work.  Maybe if you spend less time betting on those donkey and camel races and more time studying!  Well maybe then we would have a doctor AND a lawyer in the family!? Can you imagine?”

Thong Thoughts

You know, my mother always said: “One thing a lady should NEVER get accustomed to is anything in her ass.”  I’ve kept this in my mind lo these many years and I have watched in horror as the thong has only grown in popularity.  Every time I hear woman who swears that “my thong is so so comfortable, I don’t even know it is there” I want to scream at the top of my lungs: “DON’T YOU SEE, NOW THEY HAVE FOOLED US INTO STICKING STRINGS UP OUR ASSES!! DON’T FALL FOR IT!!!”  Floss your teeth, not your ass!

I have to say, I like panty lines on men and women.  Because when I see panty lines I know for a fact that there are then 4 layers of fabric between my genitalia and theirs, which is really MY minimum, but I mean in an ideal world we would be talking 6 to 12 layers. Anyway I know there is a whole school of folks who like their business to be “free” but I am not one of those people.  I think everyone should keep that shit seriously locked down. As far as I am concerned here are things that should be free like kittens, basic health care and cable tv and things that should not be free like tigers, Bernie Madoff and genitalia. 

If there were no men, every day would be Sunday afternoon.  Women wouldn’t wear thongs, we’d wear sweat pants, Flashdance tops and messy buns.  Yes, I know I just described MY everyday uniform.  That is a coincidence but it does show how evolved I am.  In the end just like the Brazillian waxing, and anal bleaching (YES, ANAL BLEACHING), we ladies subject ourselves to ridiculous indignities and discomforts for the pleasure of men and there is simply NO equivalent for them.  I think lady parts need a union. 

Maybe I can be the Norma Rae of lady business? I wish I was better at Photoshop because there is a badass image of me in my head, resplendent in a giant replica uterus (that’s for you Liz) holding a sign that says “UNION” in my head) – Like this:

But with more uterus.   

Currently crafting the lyrics to our theme song which will be sung to the tune of Twisted Sister’s “We’re Not Gonna Take It”.  This will be our flag: