Lessons Learned the Hard Way

There are some lessons in life that are easy to learn: don’t touch fire, look before you cross. The logic here is easy and apparent. Then, there are those lessons that must be learned the hard way like, "too many cocktails that taste like juice will leave you in the bathroom," -- hopefully with a friend plaintively saying, “Do you want me to hold your hair?" Always keep learning, the saying goes.  I give to you a glimpse into my continuing education.

Lessons learned the hard way:

• Cats don’t like surprises.

• Swimsuits look a lot different on 40 year old women than they do on 20 year old models.

• Even if they say so, mothers-in-law don’t ever, EVER want to know what you really think...about anything! 

• There is no circumstance under which this:  

                                                                   is a good choice for me!        

• This whole ensemble:

                         while visually appealing to your partner, is itchy! 

• Duct tape is no substitute for professional waxing.

• Forty is NOT the new 30.  IT IS FORTY.

• If you weren’t cool when you were young, your teenage nieces and nephews will NOT think you are cool now.

• Be very careful when nude:
• If you ever find yourself nude in the presence of a friendly dog - DON’T BEND OVER!
• Never hold a cat while nude.
• Never cook bacon in the nude.

• Women will tell you that you look great when you do not.  Men will not.  Pay attention to men if you truly want to know how you are doing.  Be careful of the man who tells you that you look amazing when you do not – he’s a cad.

• Never tell people you are younger than you are. They will just think you look like crap for your age.  Always add a few years - they will tell you that you don't look a day over your actual age. (Thanks Becky)

• I was the inspiration for the term “muffin top”.  I don't care what Stacy and Clinton say.  LOW RISE JEANS ARE NOT FOR EVERYONE! 

• Even though you transport it there in the back of your car, nestled between your children; walking into Lowes with an empty propane tank will elicit a response not unlike walking in with an envelope filled with anthrax. 

• Spanx alone will NOT get you into your pre-pregnancy jeans.  That will require an act of God.

• No one else at the business dinner watches “Jersey Shore”

• As long as you don’t have cancer, no one wants the specifics of your colonoscopy even if the doctor said you had a “beautiful colon".