Exhibit one in my: Everything That is Wrong With Parenting in America Today Segment.

So, there was  a TON of rain the other night and there were more emails than were necessary about whether the Little League Game would be held the next morning.  Here’s the email I received from the “team mom” – never a request for a “team dad” but that’s another post:

Hi Everyone,

The 9am game was cancelled but Brant is hopeful we can hold the 11am game if we can get the field ready.  Brant has a back injury so he needs grounds crew help from 9am--11am to get the field ready.  If you can stay after dropping off your player to help, that would be great  and will also help ensure we can play at 11am.  I'm not sure of all the details but "raking and field prep" are included.

Laura

  

So, Brant is the “Commissioner” which people totally address him as (again, another blog, another day) but I prefer to call him “The Commish” because I loved that show! By the way, I totally loved Michael Chiklis in that show and had a really hard time buying him as a badass on The Shield because he was so adorable on “the Commish”. I also love the opening of that show, such a lazy kind of bumbling song as we see this doughy, salami loving cop, who just can’t keep track of his pen.  

Watch: The Commish opening credits.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CmY8h9Nrqfc 

They just don’t make tv like they used to. 

Back to Little League.  Apparently the “Commish” has indeed injured his back to the degree that we received a follow up email from our coach, who is a scientist at NIH, so it must be true.

Brant had an accident yesterday so his back is indeed hurt. Please bring a metal rake if you have one.

Thx

S-

Followed by: (subject title “Field workers Needed”)

Yes, please arrive at 10am warm-ups.  Those who can stay to help,  

Brant needs " rakes/buckets and muscles."

Thanks,

Laura

First of all, don’t like the term “field workers” it soo…manual labory.  Secondly, they need “rakes/buckets and muscles.”  Ummmm, I know the dude hurt his back, but did he also injure his rakes and buckets?  Who has buckets lying around the house?  AND we have ONE guy down and now we need to marshal the efforts of 15 adults?  What is he, Super Commish?

What really stuck in my craw and FINALLY relating back to the topic of this post, is that they expected the parents to get the field ready while the kids practiced.  Seriously? Is this what the world has come to?  How about the kids (9-12 year old boys)  get THEIR OWN field ready? Buttermaker never would have put up with this kind of nonsense.  How is this not happening every week?  The teams that have the first game get the field ready so THEY can play and enjoy the game.  When did I become an employee for my child?  I already paid nearly $400 for him to play in this league, how about the kid contributes a little sweat?  Its insanity.  There is this crazy expectation these days that I’m supposed to follow these two around like Farnsworth Bently followed Diddy  (didn’t think I could work a Diddy reference into a parenting blog did you?  Well I Diddy.)

So, in protest; because if someone doesn’t say something these people are going to take over the world; I sent this reply to ALL (this group BTW, is the owner and operator of the “I Love Reply All In Every Circumstance” page on Facebook):

Sorry to hear about Brandt.  What would really be terrific is if the boys (from both teams) could get their field ready.  This way they learn a little responsibility AND they learn how to groom a baseball field.  My husband cannot stay, but my son will help.

Yeah, my husband can’t stay to rake the field because HE WORKS LIKE A DOG ALL FREAKING WEEK! The only raking my husband will be doing on the weekend is in the sand trap!

The response was overwhelming!  Meaning whatever is quieter than crickets or the sound of one hand clapping. 

Anyway, the plot thickens (this portion is typed in Whisper font.  The previous portion was typed in Incredulity)  So we went to the game and I’m sitting there watching the game and who walks by DRAGGING trash cans full of dirt but..... (excited whisper font) The “Commish”  himself!  Yes!  It was all I could do not to stand up, point my finger and shout  "J’ACCUSE!"  Instead I took a picture because it lasts longer. 

In the end, my son tells me that he offered to help, but the Dads got the field ready so the kids could practice.  Guess what folks, (I am typing this in an totally bossy font AND all caps):

IF YOU TREAT YOUR KIDS LIKE THEY ARE THE CENTER OF THE WORLD, THEY WILL ACT LIKE THEY ARE THE CENTER OF THE WORLD. THEY WILL  GROW UP TO BE ADULTS WHO THINK THEY ARE THE CENTER OF THE WORLD!  PEOPLE LIKE THIS SUCK.  DON’T RAISE PEOPLE LIKE THIS! 

THINGS YOUR CHILDREN SHOULD HEAR FROM YOU

Recently I've received lists of things that parents (usually Mothers - go figure) should say to their children.  They are filled with lots of sweet, really validating things.  However, most of the kids I know are plenty validated.  Here is MY list of things your children should hear from you.

#1 - Contrary to popular belief, the world does not revolve around you.  Sure we make some accomodations around the house here, the diapers were a big one, but as you get older that’s going to diminish and you are going to have to snap to and contribute something to this family.

#2 - I gave birth to you. I love you. I would take a bullet for you.  I DO NOT work for you.   Pick up after yourself.

#3 -  When you were little, you were super adorable.  You cannot ride this forever.  As you age, you are going to need to bring the personality to compensate for the adorable deficit.  

#4 - For my little girl:  batting your eyelashes will get you: permission from Daddy, a date for prom and quite possibly a husband.  It will NOT get you: RESPECT.

#5 - I hated every minute of "Chipwrecked." I went because you couldn’t go alone. Sometimes we do things we hate for people we love.  Remember this when you visit me in the home and I’m watching “Legends of the Fall” and going on about how marvelous that Brad Pitt was back in the day. Oh and that Aidan Quinn too, but to a lesser degree.

#6 -  Choose your friends wisely.  They are the people who will keep you out of prison and hold your hair when you vomit. 

#7 - Your friends are cute and fun. They are also stupid.   They are living Wikipedia.  Do not trust them.   Most importantly do not trust them on things that pertain to sex or the laws of physics.

#8 - I’m totally happy to help you with ______________ but you’ve got to give me a goddamned minute to answer you. 

#9 - I yell so much because you are making me crazy.  Before I had you my blood pressure was 80/60.

#10 - Your father and I think you are pretty terrific.  You are NOT however, any more special or more entitled to goodness, happiness and success than anyone else in the world.  Most of the good stuff you have in your life is due to luck.  Don’t get too full of yourself.

#11 - I’m happy to help you but not if you don’t try or make some lame, spaghetti-armed effort.  (See #2)

#12 - Sorry doesn’t mean anything if you do it again, like two minutes later. (See #9)

#13 - In general, life is woefully unfair.  By being born into this family and in this country you have already gotten more than your fair share.  Quit complaining about the extra gummy bear your sister got.

#14 - Yes, I gave your sister the extra gummy bear because I love her more.  That’s what you are insinuating right?  Well there you go.  Satisfied?

#15 - I asked you nicely to empty the dishwasher not to mine coal.  Its not a lot.  Trust me, you DO NOT want to get into a who’s done more for whom around here contest with me.

#16 - Seriously, I do not have all day.

#17 - I heard you yelling my name  the first time.  I just didn’t answer in the hopes that you would give up and figure it out yourself so I didn’t have to pause my program.

#18 - Dry your tears.  Of course I beat you at Scrabble, I’m 30 years older than you!  Were you seriously under the impression that you could defeat me?

#19 - The basic tenets of all world religions can be boiled down to one simple phrase: “Don’t be an asshole.”  If you follow this all your life: you should be able to have a good set of friends, have and be a good spouse AND you should be pretty well covered for the Afterlife and/or End of Days regardless of who is running the show.  Good luck.

#20 - When we were away Daddy and I didn’t really miss you much.  We had a swell time just the two of us. In fact we had a whole thing going on before you showed up.  But, we are glad to be back now.

#21 - NO.

I love Jessica Simpson!

I love Jessica Simpson.  I can’t name a single song of hers and I only vaguely remember her reality show, but I am now in love with her!  Here’s why.  Jessica is  8 months pregnant and despite being a celebrity, albeit a "D list" celebrity, she is kicking this pregnancy old school.  Have you seen her? 

 

The words Zoinks, Gadzooks and Yowza were invented for just this occasion! She looks like one of the life rafts on the Titantic, which is to say, she looks just like I did when I was pregnant. 

Contrast with Victoria Beckham pregnant:

That is what I look like at the end of pizza night. 

Jessica is keepin’ it real!  It used to be that one time a woman would get a break from the body scrutiny that is so pervasive in our society was during pregnancy.  Now, we’ve got to make a whole person AND look hot.  For the love of God, they now make a maternity thong. 

So,  while I have a human being standing on my bladder all day, now I’m supposed to walk around with a piece of string up my tuchus.  When I’m that pregnant, I’m not worried about panty lines, I’m worried about my bladder leaking when I sneeze. 

Jessica Simpson is OWNING it.   She’s not going to pilates, hitting the elliptical  and eating kale and steel cut oats.  She’s doing this like a real life American woman.  She is enjoying her meals and reveling in the comfort and ease of  elastic waisted pants.  With all the nonsense going on where celeb moms compete to see who can return to toothpick status after giving birth the quickest, it is refreshing, nay revolutionary, to see a woman in the public eye who says: “Guess what, I’m making a God damned person here.  I’m uncomfortable all day. I can’t even have a cocktail. So I’m not going to obsess about how I look.  I am going to have some doughnuts.” VIVA JESSICA!