Rewriting US Weekly's Terrible, Sexist Bachelor Article

Hey US Weekly!! Could you try writing a less sexist article about The Bachelor? Like I know the program isn't exactly a bastion of feminist ideals but that doesn't mean you need to pile on.  Please review my edits below - pay attention to the part where I made things into attributes about Vanessa that you spun as flaws. 

Bachelor Nick Viall and Fiancee Vanessa Grimaldi Are in Love, But Have a ‘Volatile’ Relationship Face the Normal Challenges That Any Two Adults Who Are Essentially Strangers Living Apart Would Face.

With The Bachelor, happily ever after is the exception not the rule because two strangers, under unrealistic circumstances pledge to marry each other and/or gain short-term fame. See: Chris Soules and Whitney Bischoff, Juan Pablo Galavis and Nikki Ferrell, or any of the other 15 pairs fools who split once the helicopters landed and the hot tubs cooled. Season 21’s Nick Viall – who proposed to Vanessa Grimaldi in a Finnish winter wonderland on the Monday, March 13, finale is determined to avoid that fate get famous with or without Vanessa, whichever is easier.  “Nick and Vanessa,” a Bachelor source ABC Producer reveals in the new issue of US Weekly, “want to be in it for the long run. see how much they can make of this”

Easier said than done. Sources ABC producers say since the show wrapped in November, the LA entrepreneur unemployed software salesman from Wisconsin, 36, and the Montreal special-needs teacher, 29, have grappled with everything from her jealousy reasonable dislike for his man-whore nature to their future zip code.  “We love each other are attracted to each other and are just kind of riding this thing to see where it goes.”  Grimalidi said on After the Final Rose The 60 Minute garbage post show that allows ABC to maximize its ad revenue, “but there have been days that have been difficult where I wonder what the hell I’ve gotten myself into.” US breaks down the couple’s challenges.

They’re too Similar

“I’m a big personality self-focused, loudmouth” Viall told US recently, “and I push back really want to be famous.” Ditto (yeah, they used ‘ditto’ in an article SMH) Grimaldi, who chided Viall called Nick on his total douchery after Corinne Olympios transfixed him with her not-so-secret weapons (hint: there are two – THEY MEAN BOOBS Y’ALL – She showed him her boobs and let him touch them in front of everyone) “Vanessa is no pushover a grown ass woman. She’s not going to just do whatever he wants Who is acting like a grown ass woman!” says the insider ABC Producer. “He’s attracted to that but it makes their relationship volatile a two way street which is less fun that having a girl who is like a puppy with boobs.”

Neither Wants to Move

No U-Haul then, eh? (Nod to Canada because they all say ‘Eh’ there. See how international we are? We get it US, wink emoji) Multiple sources Multiple ABC Producers confirm Grimaldi will temporarily relocate to L.A. while Viall shoots Dancing With the Stars People You May Have Seen on TV Before 24 this spring, but after that is anyone’s guess  she’ll go back to Canada if he doesn’t get a job.  Viall said on ATFR that they’re “leaning toward the US he doesn’t want to move to Canada” but the second source says , “They still don’t know Vanessa has no intention of just giving up the job she loves and free health care for some 3 time Bachelor failure who cries more than John Boehner”

She’s Jealous  She is Understandably Not Cool Being Eskimo Sisters with Raven and Rachel

Viall licked whipped cream off Olympios’ chest. He called his chemistry with new Bachelorette Rachel Lindsay “explosive.” (Eeewww) And he made out with runner-up Raven Gates in the mud. Grimaldi has been among the 6 million or so viewers watching Viall get physical each week, and “she’s having a hard time seeing Nick romancing all these other women. As a smart, independent woman this logically makes her question his sincerity and his motives.” Says the show source  ABC producer (It was so tough, she skipped watching the fantasy suite dates!  nasty that she gave herself the full Silkwood and one of those Guwynneth Paltrow vagina steam cleans after watching the fantasy date episodes.)

He Prioritizes His Career  “Fame”

Viall said on the special that Grimaldi is “incredibly knows she needs to appear supportive “ of his choice to compete on DWTS. But now that he’s ready to rumba starting March 20, “that’s his main focus. He hopes this will give him a shot at lasting fame  a guest spot on Access Hollywood.”  Says the insider, who adds that the candid Grimaldi won’t tolerate being a wallflower forever wait forever for this Access Hollywood gig since software sales hasn’t been a real job description since 2002. “She’s not just going to be in his shadow. Support this nonsense forever.”

Beyonce let me down. She let me down hard.

So by now, pretty much everyone has heard the news that Beyoncé is expecting and has seen the Instagram photo announcing the big news. If you missed it, here is it is:

I bet many of you are asking the same questions I am:

First, is this for real or just her entry for Awkward Family Photos?

What’s with the netting?  Is she some kind of pregnant fish or mermaid that Jay Z picked up in the nets off his yacht OR…. is it an existential statement on the Zika virus and her fear of it?

Are those real flowers? I’d expect Bey to have real flowers but if I’m honest, they look fake AND kind of like an arrangement one might see at a mafia funeral. I mean just add “JOEY GUMS” in carnations and you are good to go.

Why is she sitting like that? That looks like it hurts. No one over 12 sits like that. Related question – how many people had to help her get up?

Why the blue ruffled panties and the burgundy bra? A matching set would have been nicer. I mean blue and burgundy don’t even go together. Though maybe the blue panties are a subliminal message that one is a boy and the other is whatever gender burgundy stands for?

Is she holding the babies in with her hands? Why do women do that – like pretend that they are holding their babies while they a doing just fine being held by her uterus?

Is she planning to tell her babies: “When we announced your birth, we thought the best thing to do was for me to get into a mismatched set of underwear and sit in front of a huge flower arrangement under a net to let people know how excited we were!”?

I bet her uterus hurts already and she can’t sleep more than 3 hours without having to pee. Pregnancy is a great equalizer. You can buy fancy cream for stretch marks but everybody has the same bladder.

Who took the picture? Did she get this done at the Glamour Shots at the Short Hills Mall or is it just a really hard working Sears Portrait artist?

I guess I’m glad for them. I mean as glad as one can be when a stranger posts a picture of themselves under a net, ostensibly in a forest to tell you they are having babies but really -- YOU. ARE. Beyoncé!  BEYONCÉ!! There’s nothing worse than when super rich people do crappy shit I could do myself.  You are supposed to represent the unattainable.  I want to see a picture of you and think to myself "Must be nice to have that much money. I bet I could look that good if I had that kind of cash." Now every girl from Weehawken to Little Rock is going to do something like this. I DON'T WANT BEYONCÉ TO LOOK LIKE EVERYONE ELSE! I can see everyone else anytime I want at the 7-11 on a Friday night! I expect Beyoncé too look like Beyoncé.  I expected something with flair, something with flash, something with class. I expected more Beyoncé. I expected more.

DELUXE LADY PACKAGE

So I recently went to get my mammogram because, where else can you feel the warm, tender hands of a middle-aged woman upon your breasts and avoid dying of cancer at the same time? It’s quite a combo! It was quick and easy AND I got my letter saying that I had an amazing, cancer free rack – ok I added the “amazing” but no cancer which is a great feeling and really offsets the squish of the machine - so everyone of appropriate age and risk should not delay, but go and have the experience yourself! 

I also had a pelvic ultrasound. For those of who are wondering, this is classified as the “Deluxe Lady Package Option”. Now if you haven’t had this done before, let me warn you. You will walk in the room and see this device:

This may look a little familiar and welcoming to some of you - AND you might think “a twenty dollar co-pay seems like a pretty good deal for a ‘happy ending.” DO NOT be fooled! They call it a 'wand' but it has NO magical qualities! NONE. It is basically a vibrator with no batteries – but it CAN take lovely pictures of your innards.  When you are having this done you will feel a bit like the base of a joystick but it doesn’t hurt as they are pretty free with the lube. Anyway, I’m on the table talking to the tech and she took this lovely photo which I call “Ovary in Blue”.

Then she says to me: “Looks like you’ve got some follicles on your ovaries there.”

And I say: “WooHoo! Looks like I’ve still got it” (fist pump)

Tech: “You need to remain still”

Me: “Ok, sorry. Just psyched to still be in the game!”

Tech: “Oh would you like more children?”

Me: “Hell no! You’d have to find a maternity straight jacket if I found myself with a womb full! So........... would you say I have the ovaries of a 26 year old woman?”

Tech: “No, I would not say that.”

Me: “Oh, um how about the ovaries of a 36 year old woman? That’s still something.”

Tech: “Yeah, No.”

Me: “Well what would you say then?”

Tech: “I’d say you have the ovaries of a 46 year old woman.”

Me:  

So in my uterus they did not find anything suspicious BUT they did find: a spinning wheel, a photo of me and Moses at his Bar Mitzvah, and a skate key I lost in 1977.  Anyway, in both cases I got wonderful news, a picture and confirmation that I’ve still got it! Take care of your lady business ladies and men, check your plums!