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Dispatches From an Actual Potomac Housewife. Episode Two - Snow Business

Here's how it really goes down in Potomac.

Claiming Spaces

In my daily life I’m always claiming little parts of public areas as my own and I get really annoyed when people violate that.  Even when I’m just standing, that is my little patch of America! Pretty much I expect there to be a good 16 inch radius minimum, around my person at all times. There is little worse than being touched by people I don’t know.  This is why I avoid mosh pits and concerts without assigned seating.  This is also why I hate summer because there are few things as nasty as strange, moist skin on my skin. 

My need for space also manifests itself at the grocery store.  

I put that little stick down, put all my stuff on the belt and then I put down the other plastic stick behind my order because I am courteous like that, and for me it is like planting a flag!  For those few moments that is MY real estate and that piece of plastic is my own personal maginot line. Woe to he or she that tries to cross it.  If someone comes behind me and tries to push my plastic stick forward to make more room for their stuff I go -  BANG, straight up, full on Richie Cunningham on them: “Easy Bucko. This is MY portion of the belt! It is mine until the checker finishes checking and then, by removing the second stick bequeaths the lead portion of the belt to you.  I don’t know where you are from but here we have RULES!”

Tuesday, January 19

Dispatches From an Actual Potomac Housewife

Ever wondered if the show is 'real'?  Click here and hold on to your Manolos to see how we really roll!

The times, they are a changing.

How my friend Andrea ruined 1.5 Billion dollars for me.

I had been having the best time with this Powerball jackpot. Yes I know it is a tax on people who don’t understand statistics but when it gets this big it’s worth a few bucks to fantasize about what I’d do. 1.5 BILLION dollars!!! Oh, I had me some big plans! It was going to be amazing.  No more rubbing elbows with the huddled masses, we’d fly private, the dogs would fly private! We’d clone the old sick cat.  My favorite phrase would be “Why yes, I think I would like that.”  My daughter and I had plans to create a farm to house our collection of miniature animals: 

tiny cows  

  
tiny horses for whom we would buy sweaters 

tiny goats 

 sweaters for the goats too 

heck we were even going to commission a tiny giraffe

and name him Shorty,  simply BECAUSE WE CAN - and well a tiny giraffe would be beyond!  

I would be able to exact revenge on my most hated enemies and make the wishes and dreams of my most beloved come true.  I could hire Amy Schumer, Tina Fey and Amy Poehler to be my best friends and help me write a movie about a talking cat because that cat on Sabrina the Teenage Witch was such a disappointment.  J Law and I would lay out by my pool together and dink Miller Light and tell filthy jokes to each other. I could bring back the t.v. show “The Swan.”

I could start a foundation called “How You Like Me Now?” where I would help people pull things together in time for their 20^th High School Reunion.  I'm talking oligarch level living.  It was going to be…. in a word…..magical. 

Then, I talked to my friend Andrea, not you Andrea, this is “Ahndrayuh.” I was telling her of all my grand plans and she said “Oh, I don’t play the lottery.  I could never enjoy that money for it comes from the broken dreams of thousands.” And just like that – BAM, door slams shut, needle off the record – party over! Now I can’t enjoy the money either!  I’d feel like I needed to track down every sorry soul who bought a ticket 

and give them a hundred bucks and I mean, how much time is THAT going to take? I might be made of money then, but it wouldn’t buy me all the time I needed to clear my soul.  Thanks Andrea.  Knowing my luck, I’ll probably win the whole thing now.

The Bachelor Wants to Smell your Glands

Jog Bra

Cheese

Weight Watchers

Now if she was trying to tell me how to build an empire, then maybe......